I have heard it all: from "I have a headache" to "I'm really tired" to just plain old "I'm not in the mood".  And each time it felt like rejection.  I used to think: "I am such a looser - I even get rejected by my wife!"  It was not a good feeling.

So I'd try pouring on the romance and expect her to throw me in bed.  Did she?  No.  That made it even worse!  It felt like the ultimate rejection!  Here I was doing all this "stuff" and ... nothing, nada, zip.  I had a lot of resentment and she did, too.  We couldn't understand each other.  She thought I only wanted her for sex and I thought she didn't care about me.

That was three years ago.  But now everything is different.  So - how did we get out of it?  How did we turn it around?  The truth is stranger than you think.  The truth is the opposite of what you'd expect.

But first, let's look at why she was "rejecting" me:

• She felt an "obligation" to have sex
• She felt pressured
• She thought that I only wanted sex - and it didn't matter if it was her or someone else
• She felt like an object
• She felt unloved

But why did she feel this way?  Because of what I was doing:

• I was putting a lot of pressure on her all the time
• After each rejection, I would redouble my efforts - which put even more pressure on her
• I was asking for it constantly
• I would almost beg for it
• I'd reason with her: "you're my wife - husbands and wives are supposed to have sex."
• I used to guilt her: "It's been so long and I have to do ‘other things' and it sucks."

Of course, this wasn't working and we were having a lot of arguments about all kinds of stupid little things. 

We went to counseling.  We went to sex therapy. We went to Church.  We bought books like 500 Lovemaking Tips and Secrets (which is really good, by the way).  When did it really change?  It changed with Church and with MY attitude.  Yes - with my attitude.

The major turn came when I honestly stopped expecting anything.  I figured out that my best intentions were actually for ME - and not really for her.  I was doing all this stuff for her - but it was really for me.  And she could practically smell it was for me.

So what did I do?

• I began to live a more Biblical marriage
• I began to focus away from my needs and focus on her needs
• I started showing her real selfless love
• I began leading the household by example
• I started serving my wife like a husband is called to do

What did she do?

• She felt truly loved and accepted

That's all she did - but not really.  As a result of her feeling loved without conditions, she was all over me.  She began to take a serious interest in meeting my needs.  She was free to be herself and to reflect the love I lavished upon her back onto me.

Notice: all I did was change myself.  I could not and cannot change her.  Only she can do that.  I helped to create the environment and she was able to grow, change and flourish in that environment.  And change she did - and we still both continue to change and grow closer.  Things just keep getting better and better.

So that's the secret in a nutshell.  This site is all about living this way.  It has ideas and is from the heart.  And I hope it can help make your marriage the way you want it to be.