I have heard it all: from "I have a headache" to "I'm really tired" to just plain old "I'm not in the mood".  And each time it felt like rejection.  I used to think: "I am such a looser - I even get rejected by my wife!"  It was not a good feeling.

So I'd try pouring on the romance and expect her to throw me in bed.  Did she?  No.  That made it even worse!  It felt like the ultimate rejection!  Here I was doing all this "stuff" and ... nothing, nada, zip.  I had a lot of resentment and she did, too.  We couldn't understand each other.  She thought I only wanted her for sex and I thought she didn't care about me.

That was three years ago.  But now everything is different.  So - how did we get out of it?  How did we turn it around?  The truth is stranger than you think.  The truth is the opposite of what you'd expect.

But first, let's look at why she was "rejecting" me:

• She felt an "obligation" to have sex
• She felt pressured
• She thought that I only wanted sex - and it didn't matter if it was her or someone else
• She felt like an object
• She felt unloved

But why did she feel this way?  Because of what I was doing:

• I was putting a lot of pressure on her all the time
• After each rejection, I would redouble my efforts - which put even more pressure on her
• I was asking for it constantly
• I would almost beg for it
• I'd reason with her: "you're my wife - husbands and wives are supposed to have sex."
• I used to guilt her: "It's been so long and I have to do ‘other things' and it sucks."

Of course, this wasn't working and we were having a lot of arguments about all kinds of stupid little things. 

We went to counseling.  We went to sex therapy. We went to Church.  We bought books like 500 Lovemaking Tips and Secrets (which is really good, by the way).  When did it really change?  It changed with Church and with MY attitude.  Yes - with my attitude.

The major turn came when I honestly stopped expecting anything.  I figured out that my best   [Read More]

After much debate I have decided to add a section with explicit sexual tips for husbands.  Each time I add an article to this new section, I will add a short post like this on the main page.  this section goes into explicit details, so if you're not comfortable reading material of an adult nature, please do not view it.

The first addition to the explicit sexual tips section is some tips on [LINK REMOVED].

Please let me know your thoughts on this new section - I hope it is helpful to you and not offensive.

My wife wanted a TV in the bedroom.  I said absolutely not.  No.  No Way.  I knew that if the TV was in the bedroom, it would be on before bed every night.  Romance would go out the window. 

It is an amazing phenomenon: when the TV goes on, you can almost hear the sucking sound as it draws you into a time warp.  Pretty soon, instead of any kind of romance, you're both saying: "Oh my! It's already midnight?! We'd better get to sleep."  That statement is often followed by "I am so tired, hunny - I can't even think about romance let alone sex."  And that's when the TV is in the living room!  So much for romance.  So: I say, Turn Off The TV for Romance!

As far as a TV in the bedroom, Italian psychologist and sexologist Serenella Salomoni has conducted an experiment with 523 couples and the effects of TVs in the bedroom.  She found that those who had the TV in the bedroom had sex on average once a week.  You say you want more romance?  Then get this: those couples who kept the TV out of the bedroom had sex on average of twice a week. 

And if you're in your 50's it gets even more interesting.  Dr. Salomoni found that without the TV, people in their 50's had sex 7 times each month, on average.  With the TV in the bedroom, the frequency of such romance was reduced to 1.5 times per month!

So: for double the romance and sex (or more), I would gladly toss the TV out of my bedroom (if I had allowed it in there in the first place).

Let's set romance aside for a moment and talk about something important: is the use of contraception during sex with your wife a sin? A reader asked me my opinion on contraception and if my wife and I used it.  He was Catholic and had struggled with this for a while because the Catholic Church considers contraception in any form a mortal sin.

My first thought was: "there is no way the modern Church feels this way."  So I looked it up.  I was astonished!  They clearly teach that contraception is a sin - as far back as one can trace up to present day.

Pope Paul VI claimed:

Responsible men can become more deeply convinced of the truth of the doctrine laid down by the Church on this issue if they reflect on the consequences of methods and plans for artificial birth control. Let them first consider how easily this course of action could open wide the way for marital infidelity and a general lowering of moral standards. Not much experience is needed to be fully aware of human weakness and to understand that human beings—and especially the young, who are so exposed to temptation—need incentives to keep the moral law, and it is an evil thing to make it easy for them to break that law. Another effect that gives cause for alarm is that a man who grows accustomed to the use of contraceptive methods may forget the reverence due to a woman, and, disregarding her physical and emotional equilibrium, reduce her to being a mere instrument for the satisfaction of his own desires, no longer considering her as his partner whom he should surround with care and affection." (emphasis added)

The Pope says that the use on artificial birth control could lead to infidelity; however, on the other hand, the Apostil Paul says that husbands and wives should fulfill their marital duties to each and not deny each other in order to keep Satan from tempting them away.  (See quote from 1 Corinthians 7:1-5, below)  He basically says that if you're not taking care of things in the bedroom, then one or both of you will be tempted due to your lack of self control.  So he is saying to have sex to keep your spouse satisfied and to keep him/her from being tempted to stray.  But if you only have sex for procreation (or possible procreation), then surely one spouse or the other will be left wanting - and possibly looking elsewhere.

I should note that while the Catholic Church widely accepts this view, there are dissenting groups in the Church who do not adhere to it so strictly.

Presumably, using contraception will allow for married couples to have sex more often.  So basically, the Pope says that having more sex will cause the husband to objectify his wife as a sex tool.  Not only does this fly in the face of research that shows that frequent mutually satisfying sex in marriage creates a stronger bond between husbands and wives, it seems to contradict what the Apostil Paul says.  Let's look at the Scripture more closely:

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."  ~ 1 Corinthians 7:1-5

Some would contend that there are marital duties other than sex that Paul could have been referring to.  But when you combine "marital duties" with the exhortation not to deny your spouse so that Satan may not tempt them, it is clear that in this context, he is referring to sex.  Surely he is not referring to your wife's need for you to help with the dishes or balance the checkbook so that she is not tempted to hire a housekeeper or an accountant. Paul is saying that you should satisfy your spouses desire for sex.  If you don't, then he/she will be tempted to find satisfaction outside the marriage.  This also supports the command not to cause your brother in Christ to stumble into sin - by denying your spouse, you may cause him/her to stumble.

Furthermore, 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 says to take a break and deny each other in only one case: by mutual consent to devote yourselves to prayer.  And then it says to come together again (have sex again) to keep temptation away.  It does not say "Come together again only if you want to possibly get pregnant." 

Even using the Natural Family Planning (NFP) method is difficult for most.  The window in which one can have sex without conception is pretty small.  The rest of the time (three weeks out of the month) the couple must abstain if they do not want to risk conception.  The fact is that, in a man's case, he physically needs sex more often because his semen reserves are filled 100% every 72 hours or so and his urges increase.  So going three weeks without relief is difficult and leads easily into temptation. 

I don't know of anywhere in the Bible where it says having sex within marriage without wanting to conceive is a sin.  So on what Scripture does the Catholic Church base it's doctrine regarding the use of contraception?  I am not a Biblical scholar, so I could be mistaken, but as far I can tell, they base this teaching on what is known as the "sin of Onan."  And here it is:

Then Judah said to Onan, 'Lie with your brother's wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to produce offspring for your brother.' But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the LORD's sight; so he put him to death also." - Genesis 38:8-10

The Catholic Church seems to see only two sentences in this passage: "...he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the LORD's sight..."  So, they say: this is contraception and the Lord says it is wicked.

But look at it in the context of the situation and actions as a whole: Onan does two things here: 1) he disobeys the Lord and does not allow conception - so that make his actions adulterous - and 2) he deceives his brother's wife into thinking he is sleeping with her to conceive a child and then withdraws so as not to conceive.  He does this more than once.  Furthermore, he seems to do this specifically so he can sleep with his brother's wife and NOT have offspring for his brother.  So he is disobeying a Command and getting pleasure through his deceit - which is akin to rape.  So God sees this is wicked and kills him.  (This is all Old Testament, by the way)

Does this mean that if a married man interrupts sex with his wife to climax outside her, he has sinned?  No - he is having sex with his own wife and not sleeping via deceit with another man's wife (and he is not disobeying a direct command from God).  Does this mean that every time a married couple has sex, they should try to have or risk having a baby?  I think not.  It means that if you have sex under false pretences, it is a sin - and if you have sex outside marriage, you have committed the sin of adultery which is warned against numerous times in the Old and New Testament. 

The Apostil Paul's exhortations are not to deny your spouse - to fulfill your marital duties.  If you cannot have sex because, perhaps, you already have three children and don't want any more because you are in your 40s, how can you fulfill your marital duties and not deny each other?  You have to deny each other.  This sounds like an invitation for temptation.

Consider this: what about when your wife is too old to have a child without serious dangers but has not reached menopause?  Are you supposed to wait two, three, five or six years before you have sex again?  How does that reconcile with Paul's warning against depriving your spouse of sex because of Satan's temptation?  It does not.

I sincerely believe that God intended married people to enjoy their lives together - and to share their bodies with each other via sexual relations.  You will be as one flesh.  You will be close and in love and you will not need to deprive each other - and as a result, Satan will not be able to tempt you away from each other.

Paul also warns time and again that no one is to add anything or take anything away from the Bible - but saying that contraception is a mortal sin seems to be doing just that - adding to the Bible.

Even if you have sex often, your wife's libido is in danger of dying if you always have the same routine.  If you really want to increase her libido and keep it there, you need to get out of the routine.  It is easy to get into a comfortable rut when it comes to sex.  Especially if you have children and you both work.  Who has the energy to get all creative with sex and romance when you're beating a desk all day and dealing with kids all night? 

Believe me, I know: all three of my boys have been sick on and off for two weeks.  The baby can't breathe while he's nursing and has been simply miserable.  And my wife and I have been exhausted every night.  (Which is why I have not been writing new posts.)

So - what can I do?  Well, I have arranged to surprise her to break up the routine.  I cannot say what it is because she reads this blog.  But guess what?  Just the excitement of planning this surprise has given me energy that I thought I didn't have.

The point?  The point is that the prospect of making her happy, refreshing our relationship with something new and increasing her libido is giving me the fuel I needed.  So - even if thinking about doing something seems tiring, once you start and get involved, it will provide the fuel you need.  It gives you energy - and she will feed off that energy.

When it comes to romance, a break in the routine can do wonders.  But when it comes to sex, breaking up the routine can be amazing!  If you always do it in your bed at bed time and do the same things, then the excitement will dwindle.  To keep your wife's libido at a high point, you cannot afford to let her get bored.

Making it different can add spark.  Try a different place.  If she's a cleanliness nut, then bring beach towel.  It can be a place in your room - just not the bed: try it with her against a wall, or on a chair, on the floor, etc.  Of course a different room is great, too.  It is amazing how simply changing the location (not to mention positions) can give sex a whole new feeling.  She'll appreciate the sense of adventure and the break in the routine.  She'll be looking forward to what you'll do next.  And you'll appreciate her increased libido as a result.

After our second son was born from about week two to six of the six week "waiting period", my wife craved me - but we couldn't have sex.  She wanted me and said she couldn't wait.  I was SO Looking forward to week seven!  But sometimes our hopes can turn into a lesson in patience.

Post partum depression set in.  She became irritable and depressed to the point where she needed some help.  Of course, this is perfectly normal and medication can help.  So she started on Zoloft in about week six.  The Zoloft made her feel so much better - and made her easier to live with: she was less anxious and in a better mood most of the time.  But her libido fell through the floor!  I was so disappointed in week seven!  She had no sex drive whatsoever.  In month six (still nursing and on Zoloft), still no sex drive.  None.  Nada.  Zip. 

So what can you do in this situation?  (Keep in mind that this is not just for post partum depression, but for any depression)  Well, normally I would ask her to take some herbal remedies that we have used in the past which worked well.  However, she is nursing our baby, we do not want her to take herbs that could be passed through the breast to the baby and have uncertain hormonal effects.  So I have to wait. 

What works to increase her desire to have sex?  At this stage in her life, emotions are running high and her emotional needs are greater than normal.  So I redoubled my efforts to do as much as I can to help her de-stress and to make emotional connections with her.  I have been romancing her and paying a lot of attention to her - including snuggling, kissing, holding and caressing her whenever possible (meaning whenever she is not "on a mission" to get something done).  In a nutshell: I have been extra sweet to her - and there are no strings attached - no expectations - no pressure.  Have you ever heard women talking and saying things like "so-and-so is such a sweet guy - I wish my husband was like that"?  Well - my goal is to be that guy when she talks to her friends.

The result: although she has no sexual libido, she has "emotional libido".  What I mean is that I have filled her emotional tank to overflowing and she simply wants to be as close to me as possible.  She feels so close to me emotionally that she desires to kiss me and feel my skin on hers and that leads to her initiating sex more often.  She doesn't want sexual satisfaction - she wants to please me and have an emotional connection.  That's the key: the emotional connection.  I don't expect sex and sometimes we just fall asleep.  Yet either way it is mutually fulfilling.

However:  I really cannot wait until she can either go off Zoloft or take the herbal mix we used in the past - or both.  Because I know that that, along with my loving service, will push her libido higher than ever before!  I can't wait!  No... correction: I CAN wait and I will enjoy making her smile every day now, then and from then on.  It's a lifestyle that I have come to enjoy from the bottom of my heart.
 

What makes a woman who is nursing a 5-month-old baby, is tired all the time from getting up in the middle of the night, and who has the anti-libido-post-pregnancy hormone imbalance initiate sex every night for the past week?

The answer is that her husband has been renewing his love for her by doing what he reads about on IHP.  She doesn't crave sex - but she does crave being close to the man who she knows deep down loves her deeply and without expectations.

Which brings to mind an interesting fact: for men sex is mostly about the climax and release whereas for women sex is mostly about just being close.  Sure, women like to have orgasms; and if you are good at pleasing your woman, then she'll love sex all the more. 

But sometimes a woman may not be able to get there - especially if there are hormonal issues or medical issues in the mix.  And sometimes she may not want to get there.  Women can get satisfaction from sex just because they are being as physically and emotionally close to their husband as they can ever get. 

Why would a woman crave to be that close to her husband?  Because he has shown and proven that he loves her deeply by his attitude and his dedication without expectations.  Because he loves and accepts her no matter what.  That can build so much love and trust in a woman that she cannot keep her hands and lips off her husband.  Trust me: this is a true story.

Being tired can take all the libido and desire out of a woman.  If she's tired all the time, she'll be passion free.  You can turn that around.

If you want to increase your wife's libido, then let her batteries recharge.  Offer to take care of the kids one weekend day for a couple of hours so she can take a nice long nap.  If you can, after the two hours is up, take the kids to a sitter or set them up with a movie and tell them not to disturb you until it's over because you're taking a nap, too.

If she's still sleeping, gently wake your wife with a light massage.  Just massage her shoulders and neck.  When she's awake, ask her if she wants you to continue.  Move on to her feet, calves and then thighs.  Here's where she'll let you know if she's in the mood.  Watch for body movements that may be an invitation, but don't have expectations.  You may just barely brush by certain areas and see her reaction.  Don't rush it and don't be obvious - don't put any pressure on her.  If you think she's indicating she wants more but you're unsure, be polite and ask "do you want me to go further?" 

Always check in - because you do not expect sex - by asking "does this feel good?  Let me know if I do anything you don't want or that doesn't feel good.  It's ok."

This will take the pressure off and relax her.  Then you just take it slow and enjoy your wife.  If the kids are home, the chances of anything more happening are about 10% - they will likely interrupt.  But the massage will stay on her mind for a while.  Take your unused energy and build a new addition to the house or something.  Or just be patient - your time will come.

If the kids are not home, be happy if she is turned on and keep up the same slow romantic pace, but do not make a fuss if she doesn't - when you're done, be kind and gracefully leave to go get the kids. Remember: you're doing this for her - to rekindle her passion - to charge up her long term libido - so be in it for the long haul.

Women need to de-stress just like men do.  The problem is that for men, sex will release stress - so men want sex when they're stressed.  Women want nothing to do with sex when they're stressed.   Women need to be relaxed and have their head clear before the thought of sex even enters their minds.  So create an environment where she can de-stress.  Let her vent if she needs to - and then immerse her in a stress free place.  There's a little planning involved.  Here's how you can set this up...

Everyone hates Mondays.  So make your wife's Monday a little easier by giving her a little paradise and rest.  You want to spark her libido?  You want to ignite her passion?  Do things like this for her (with no expectations) and she will get the re-charge she needs.  After enough re-charges, she will be primed and her thoughts are more likely to turn to sex, which will increase her sex drive and rekindle her desire for you.

(Of course, you can also do this on any day of the week and adjust it for different work schedules - Friday is good, but more expected - I personally like to do things that are unexpected.)

Early Morning:
When you leave your wife for work or you both leave for work, give her a big hug and a nice passionate kiss (not deep - just passionate).

Mid Morning:
When you get to work call her / e-mail her and just wish her a great day and tell her you love her.

Afternoon:
In the afternoon text her / e-mail her to say you have a nice surprise for her later tonight.

On the way home:
Pick up her favorite dessert, scented bubble bath soap and some flowers (leave the flowers and bubble bath in the car - if it's too hot, sneak them in and stash them somewhere).  If you don't have candles at home, get three - the kind with their own glass jar and lid are great - no smoke - you just put the lid on to put them out.

Evening:
After dinner and the kids (if any) are in bed, excuse yourself to the bedroom and draw her a bath, light some candles, set her dessert and the flowers out along with a refreshment.

Invite her back into the bathroom and just say you wanted to give her a break and her own little slice of paradise.  Tell her you'll take care of any issues with the children and will clean up any messes (like the table, kitchen).  Let her know this is for HER, so she should just enjoy and relax and call on you if she needs anything.

Don't expect anything.  If nothing happens, at the very least, your wife will be very relaxed and very grateful.  But - you never know - you may get an invitation you're not expecting.

How do you build trust?  Over time - with practice.  Aside from being honest and faithful, building trust has to do with how you react to things.  If you always react negatively, she will have fear, not trust.  If you always react positively, her fear will evaporate and trust will grow.  With sexuality, our most personal and intimate area, fear of rejection is huge.  If you always react in a positive way in other areas of your lives and conversations, then she is more likely to trust you won't reject her when she reveals her innermost desires to you.

So - how do you react?  One indicator of a relationship's health is how the couple argues.  You want to move from throwing dishes and breaking stuff (in the extreme) to sitting down and talking things through - ending with understanding and a hug and kiss.

So begin with lowering your defenses.  If something can be taken two ways, take it in the most positive way.  Always give her the benefit of the doubt.  Always assume she is on your side and that you are together. 

There will be conflict in any relationship.  It is healthy when both parties feel safe when they express themselves, so listen to each other and try to figure out what's really going on.  Arguments are seldom about the thing being discussed - but more often about a list of perceived injustices.  So flush them out into the open.  Talk about them, resolve them - one at a time.  If you cannot do this yourselves, get some help.

• Never lie to each other
• Never be secretive

One thing you can do is make agreements. For example: if you are more than (insert mutually agreed to time frame here) minutes late, call as a courtesy out of respect - not out of fear or monitored obligation.  Remember: you are both adults and do not need to be monitored - but you do need to be courteous out of mutual respect and love.

• Never lie to others

If your wife sees you lie to others, she will wonder if you lie to her.  You have to BE trustworthy.  Then she will start to trust you.

• Always do what you promise to do
• Be dependable

I am project challenged.  But I have made it a point to get things done that I promise to do.  And so my wife's trust for me grows - and so does her passion.

• Take the high road

Sometimes you have to "man-up" and just let go of being right and tell her you really did not intend to hurt her feelings.  (If you did intend to hurt her feelings, then you are missing the whole point - get some assistance.)  Tell her you are on her side and on the same team.  Swallow your pride and ego and just care for her feelings and she will appreciate it.  For the most part, women are not logical - they are emotional - so don't try to fix and prove - you may win but you will lose much more.  Be a man and take one for the team.
 

Sex is a God given right and gift.  Human beings are set apart from animals with regards to sex because we don't just do it for procreation; we do it for pleasure, emotional fulfillment and a connection to our spouse.

Note: I understand that many people choose to have sex outside marriage and I cannot condemn or judge that choice.  In the past, I did it.  But I can tell you that I have regrets for not waiting for marriage.  Hindsight is 20/20 - and it would have been better to have waited.  I'm not going to go into that right now - but I wanted you to know that I am choosing to write this from the perspective of sex in marriage.  Other preferences and lifestyles are not for me to judge or comment on - you are adults and can choose for yourselves.

If it is not specifically prohibited (eg: an affair, animals, causes harm to someone's body), anything sexual within marriage is acceptable: any position you like, oral, manual, intercourse, if you want to swing from the chandelier - it's all good.  The image of puritan Christian sex only in the missionary position for the rest of your life is just not right.  Seriously.  Have fun!  Be adventurous!  Enjoy your wife!  Make her sexual fantasies come true - let her make yours come true.

But how do you get there?  How do you get your wife to WANT YOU?

The best path to making your wife want you is not a straight line.  It is more like a mountain road chock full of stuff you have to avoid.  The main thing is that she has to trust you.  And of course, you need to make her feel special; let her know she really is your true love; let her know she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you; and let her know you have eyes only for her and give your heart to her - and be HONEST when you are doing this.  

You also have to be a man.  That means leading and being strong - all the while loving and serving your wife.  Strength is sexy to women - not physical strength (although it doesn't hurt), but mental strength - make decisions, stick up for yourself, be dependable, be strong enough and have courage to be open and vulnerable to her.

(Note: There are a lot of points to be made on this subject, so forgive my if I jump around a bit.  I will be covering them all in detail over time.)

This is a serious redoubling of your commitment to her and to your marriage.  You have to be open to her which means you have to be vulnerable to her.  This can be scary. But if you want her passion to grow freely and if you want her to expose her inner desires to you, she has to know that you are willing to open yourself to her and accept her 100%.

I've been surprised to hear my wife say "would it be ok if we (fill in the blank)?"  I think: "you don't even have to ask - YES!  That would be great!"  And I wonder how much she wants that she is not telling me about.  There is a real sexual person under that innocent exterior.  You want your wife to show you her inner sexual desires.  But she has to TRUST you 100%.  She has to know that you will not: laugh, sigh, get angry, run away, judge, condemn, or shame her.  She needs to feel safe.  She needs to trust you and to feel trusted.

So - let's take this one step at a time in the next few posts:

Let her know:

• That she can trust you
• That she's special
• She's your one true love
• She's Beautiful
• She has your heart
• Ba a man

You wife not only needs to be told these things, she needs to feel them and believe them.  She needs to know that you are being honest and true when you tell her and show her through your actions that these things are for real and true.  It's not a simple thing - you have to change your mindset.  Once you change your way of thinking, and your actions - and reactions - will follow.