Have you ever asked your wife what makes her feel special?  I did recently.  Just point blank: "Dawn - what makes you feel special?"  I expected to hear about things I could do or get her or say to her.  But her answer surprised me.  It was about the things I do every day for her that I have made part of my routine.  She loves that I make her coffee every day and that I run my fingers through her hair when we watch a show at night.  Of course it is not the same for every woman, but after talking with some married friends about it, I found a common thread: consistency.

If making coffee for your wife makes her feel special, then do it for her consistently.  If you make a cup one day and then stop, how special is that?  If she loves   [Read More]

I am sure you've heard this before, but I'll say it again because it's true: having a romantic date night can do wonders for passion and desire in a marriage.  If you are stuck in a rut in your marriage, then you know what it's like to always be inundated with the business of life.  Every day is the same old routine.  You may remember what it was like when you had time to spend with your wife just to enjoy her company - when you wanted to romance her.  You may wonder what happened to those more romantic times.  She is probably wondering the same thing.  And without that one on one romance time, passion and desire go south for the winter.

So at all costs: create a romantic date night.  It may only be once a month - and if you're lucky it'll be once a week.  But it needs to happen.  Have the kids go to a sitter or to Grandma's or to a friend's house.  You just need 3 or 4 hours together. 

Get out of the house.  Go out to a romantic dinner.  Go sit on an overlook and look at the city lights.  Go star gazing.  Go for a long walk.  Go play mini golf. 

I suggest something where you can be together and pay attention to each other with no distractions.  You could go to a movie, but your minds will be focused on the screen, not each other.

If you have time alone for romance with each other - away from the house - your relationship can have time to grow.  Without that time, you can become mere acquaintances with mutual household responsibilities.

Grow your relationship with each other by setting aside quality romance time together and you will also see your passion for each other grow.  And your wife's libido will grow as well.

Lack of energy and stress build up will lead to low female libido (and male libido, for that matter).  Inactivity and excessive physical rest can drain your wife's body of its energy.  Too much mental activity and stress can also drain your wife's energy.  Without energy and with so much on her mind, her libido will be very low.  Here's why...

Stress causes the same chemical response as real danger.  The body's fight or flight response involuntarily kicks in and a chemicals are released into the body (such as adrenalin).  Since everyday stress cannot be dealt with by either physically fighting or running, all those chemicals stay in the muscle tissues and blood stream - they are not used and burned up.  The collection of these chemicals combined with reduced dopamine and serotonin from inactivity can cause physical illness, depression and, you guessed it: low female libido.

When you get the body moving and the heart pumping with exercise:

• Serotonin and dopamine are generated in the brain
• Oxygen levels rise in the brain, organs and muscles, giving more energy
• The stress chemicals built up are able to be burned up or released. 

The results of consistent exercise include:

• Increase in overall health
• Elevated Moods
• Increased energy levels
• Improved self esteem
• Stress levels are reduced

And indirectly, the above benefits are all factors that affect the female libido: they work to improve her libido!

So - get together with your wife and find something you can enjoy doing together to get your hearts pumping and your bodies moving (besides sex).  I'm talking actual exercise - cleaning the house does not count.  Go for walks / runs / bike rides / swims / hikes / play tennis / etc.  Or give her time to go exercise with one of her girlfriends.  Encourage her to get some exercise - without pressuring her or pushing her too hard, of course - it should be nice and fun.

I am surprised at how many men go to bed after their wives, or they fall asleep on the couch in front of the TV.  Are you crazy?  Bed time is the perfect time for the connection she needs.  Remember: connection begets closeness which begets more passion which begets increased libido and then more sex. 

You should use bedtime as a time for you and your wife.  The kids are out of the way, the TV is off, and the house work is on hold (it's never done).  It's the perfect time to grow close to your wife.  And it's the perfect time to learn about your wife.  She'll probably do most of the talking and you can just listen and ask questions and take mental notes as to what she likes and dislikes.  You can use this time to help you both relax and let go of the stress of the day.

When you go to bed, lightly caress your wife's hair, shoulders and back.  Don't go over and over the same spot - it will become raw.  Just put your hand on auto pilot and enjoy her body.  She'll love it.  And she'll probably want to run her fingers around your body as well.  But don't expect sex - just enjoy it for what it is.  If she initiates, great - otherwise, just enjoy and be patient.  Again - this is filling her emotional tank - it's recharging her passion batteries - so it will not happen over night or even in weeks for some women.  When she really trusts you, she'll turn the corner and you will be surprised. 

So use bedtime to charge her passion batteries. Connection = closeness = more passion = increase libido = more sex = happier marriage.

When you're around the house hanging out, how do you look?  Are you wearing a stained shirt with torn pj's?  Is your hair a mess?  Did you forget to shave?  Do you smell bad?  Did you forget to brush your teeth?  It's amazing how many men would answer "yes" to 3 or more out of 5 of those questions.  And they expect their wives to jump them.  Ha!

You like your wife to look pretty, right?  Well, she likes you to look handsome.  Do you want you wife to be more passionate, increase her libido and want more sex?  Then looking good can help a lot.  You can find some comfortable things to wear around the house that are also nice.  If you are a fashion dope like me, then you can either ask your wife what she'd like to see you in or you can get help elsewhere. 

How do you get help elsewhere?  I used to go to the store, find a stylish looking woman who works there and ask her what she thinks would look good for just bumming around the house.  You can tell her you want to look better for your wife.  She'll be all over it - and again, she and her co-workers will think you are quite a man for wanting to do this for your wife.  "I wish my husband would do this" is a comment I've heard many times.  It's a nice compliment. 

Then you just need to take a few minutes when you wake up on your days off to wash up, shave and comb your hair.  Put a little cologne on and your new bumming clothes.  Your wife will take note.  Shell be more likely to desire you if you look appealing to her.  And she'll be more likely to follow your lead and begin looking better for you.

As far as how you dress when out of your home, ask your wife what she would like to see you in.  If you don't have anything that works for her, then invite her to take you shopping.  After she wakes from the shock of your invitation, go out shopping with her and let her pick some clothes for you.  She'll love it!  You may not like everything she picks, but be open.  Don't worry about what the guys at work or your friends will say - who are you dressing to impress?  Them?  No. You don't sleep with them - you sleep with your wife.  Of course there are limits - for me it's no bell bottoms.  Lucky for me, my wife hates those.  So be open but have some limits.

With you looking better than ever in the house and outside the house, your wife will pay a lot more attention to you and begin to really like seeing you more and more.  That will develop into her wanting to see more and more of you if you get my drift.

Of course, this may sound silly, but your wife will be more attracted to you if you just be a man.  More attraction means more desire which will help increase her libido.  Yes you are a man, but do you act like one?  I mean no insult, so please give me a chance.  I used to think I was being a man but found out I was looking different than I felt: I came off as indecisive, not confident, and a push over. The problem: I was a super nice guy.  I still am a nice guy, but I have made a few changes.  You don't have to be a super macho guy to be a man.  In fact, if you are super macho, be sure it's workin' for her - she may think it's over the top - find out.  In any case, you may be doing things you think are nice that she thinks are actually unattractive.

Here's one thing that can drive her nuts, for example:

Her: "Where do you want to go for dinner?"
Him: "It doesn't matter to me - where would you like to go?"
Her:  "I don't know.  What do you think?"
Him: "Whatever you want."

Ok - you may be thinking you're being nice to let her pick, but your indecision will drive her crazy.  At this point, she is thinking: "For God's sake! Be a man and make a decision for crying out loud!"

So make the call.  After all: you should know what kinds of food she likes.  So pick a place.  If she says "no, I'm not in the mood for that" then pick two or three others from the list of places you know you and she both like and say "ok - we can do A, B or C - which one are you in the mood for?"  If she still doesn't pick, then you pick one and say "ok - I know - let's go and I'll decide on the way" - then go there.  Same goes for "where do you want to go", "what movie do you want to see", "what do you want to do tonight", etc.

Bottom line: make a choice - then make the call.

Sticking up for yourself and her.  If you get ripped off or get unsatisfactory service, don't just be nice: say something!  If your food (or her food) is not up to par - at the very least, let the restaurant staff know about it.  If the service is slow: get up and ask for a manager.  If your wife says it's chilly at, for example, a banquette, then you get up, find a manager and ask them to turn the temp up.  But in all cases be nice about it.  Just because you're not happy doesn't mean you should be a jerk - your wife will appreciate you being nice, but firm about sticking up for yourself and for her.

Drive.  When we go on family trips, I almost always drive.  It's seems to be part of leading.  You lead, you drive.  Of course, there have been times I wanted to bring the laptop and write, so she drives - or she'll drive if I want to have a drink - but for the most part, I drive.  You may consider it.

Be dependable.  If you make a promise or commitment, keep it.  Nothing is worse than a man who does not keep his word.  Such a man does not exhibit trustworthiness and honor.  The world needs men with honor - and your wife needs a man with honor.  Plus: we have to be the examples for our children - so keep promises and stick to your commitments.

Be chivalrous.  Open doors for your wife.  Let her go first.  Order her meals for her or let her order first.  Rise when she gets up.  Carry her over a puddle (your wife will probably get mad if you ruin your $220 leather coat by throwing it down for her to walk on - oh, and don't drop her!) - or of course you could just go around.  Help carry her bags and things.  Share your umbrella.  You get the point - basically, take care of her.  Be a man.

Be kind to strangers.  Men should make it a point to be kind to people.  If you are strong and kind, you're wife will take note and love going places with you.  She wants people to say things like: "Wow, Lisa is so lucky to have such a good man for a husband."  Her passion will grow and her desire for you will be on the rise.

I hope this gets your mind moving.  Women like men to be men.  Be a good husband and lead by your example.  These are not outdated ideas - but they have been watered down by modern society and the effort to make everyone the same.  We are not the same.  We are husbands and wives.  We are equal but in different roles - neither more important than the other and both vital to the other.  Remember that.

This one is simple.  What a woman wears under her cloths makes a difference as to how sexy she feels.  No one, can see her underwear, but she knows its there and she feels like it looks.  So try this:

When she's in the shower, get a pencil and paper.  Go into her dresser drawer and pull out three pairs of panties.  I say three because sometimes there will be different sizes depending on cut.  If she likes thongs, then look for those (many women don't because they "ride up" too much).  In any case, write down the sizes (some may be a number and some a S / M / L / XL).  Do the same for bras. 

Now - next time you are out by yourself - on the way home or something, stop by a Victoria's Secret - or shop on line.  Ask for one of the girls to help you pick some things out for your wife (don't be ashamed - trust me: they'll think you're quite a man for what you're doing for your wife).  Get 5 or 6 sexy comfortable panties and 1 or 2 bras.  I say 1 or 2 bras because they are expensive and women tend to be very picky about they're bras.

Then have them gift boxed with a little note that says something like "For you, my love.  Just because..."

Leave it out for her on the bed (that you just made) before you go to work.  If you don't get a call from a very happy woman, I'd be surprised (of course, don't be upset if she doesn't call - this is for HER to feel more sexy - not for you to get accolades - be in it for the long term).

Being tired can take all the libido and desire out of a woman.  If she's tired all the time, she'll be passion free.  You can turn that around.

If you want to increase your wife's libido, then let her batteries recharge.  Offer to take care of the kids one weekend day for a couple of hours so she can take a nice long nap.  If you can, after the two hours is up, take the kids to a sitter or set them up with a movie and tell them not to disturb you until it's over because you're taking a nap, too.

If she's still sleeping, gently wake your wife with a light massage.  Just massage her shoulders and neck.  When she's awake, ask her if she wants you to continue.  Move on to her feet, calves and then thighs.  Here's where she'll let you know if she's in the mood.  Watch for body movements that may be an invitation, but don't have expectations.  You may just barely brush by certain areas and see her reaction.  Don't rush it and don't be obvious - don't put any pressure on her.  If you think she's indicating she wants more but you're unsure, be polite and ask "do you want me to go further?" 

Always check in - because you do not expect sex - by asking "does this feel good?  Let me know if I do anything you don't want or that doesn't feel good.  It's ok."

This will take the pressure off and relax her.  Then you just take it slow and enjoy your wife.  If the kids are home, the chances of anything more happening are about 10% - they will likely interrupt.  But the massage will stay on her mind for a while.  Take your unused energy and build a new addition to the house or something.  Or just be patient - your time will come.

If the kids are not home, be happy if she is turned on and keep up the same slow romantic pace, but do not make a fuss if she doesn't - when you're done, be kind and gracefully leave to go get the kids. Remember: you're doing this for her - to rekindle her passion - to charge up her long term libido - so be in it for the long haul.

Did having kids kill the passion?  If it didn't, you're lucky (and probably not needing to read stuff like this).  With 1 or 2 or 3 or... ugh - are you crazy? - little people depending on you and your wife for everything from food and clothing to play time and discipline, it is no surprise that there may be little left over for passion.  A quick rundown of what you're dealing with (not to rub it in, but here you go):

1. No time.  By the time you get home from work, say hello, deal with homework, have play time, get dinner done, get them ready for bed, put them in bed, provide the 9th water / check my closet / "I'm still hungry" / "read me a story" request, you and your wife are beat!  Then you pay bills, etc., sit down for some TV and BAM! Before you know it the day has gone and its time for mommy and daddy to go to bed.
2. No energy.  See above!
3. Too many demands.  See above!

Now - with no time, no energy, and so many demands, how can you and your wife make an emotional connection?  She needs an emotional connection to you to feel close and feel passion and desire for you.  No connection, no passion.  Where's the energy for your wife to stay fit or get fit (which would help her body image and thus increase her libido)?  Where's the energy for her to muster up some desire?

Of course, you're superman.  If she shows up in a teddy and has that "look" in her eye, you are up and ready to go - just what you need to get all the stress out of your system!  It would be nice if women dealt with stress the way we do.  But God wants us to learn patience, selflessness, kindness and grace.  We can only learn this from adversity and challenges.  Dang!

So - here is the challenge: how do you take the energy you would have put into sex and direct it towards your wife in other ways?  You create pockets of time for her to rest.  You make moments to connect.

Here's a stretch (for me, anyway): get organized! 

• Set time aside each week to go through all the bills - in the mean time: don't touch them. 
• Set strict rules on TV time.  Pick a small handful of shows to watch.  If you can, get a digital recorder and watch only recorded shows; then you can skip over commercials.
• If you find yourself searching for "something" to watch, turn it off.
• Eat dinner at the table and talk to each other.  Make a rule that kids are included, but they need to be quiet and wait their turn if mommy and daddy are talking (my 4 year old has been on a few timeouts and doesn't disrupt nearly as much anymore.)
• When the kids go to bed, take your wife outside and just look at the starts holding hands.  Or put on some nice music and invite her to sit and enjoy a drink with you - just chat. 
• Offer to take the kids a couple times a week so she can go do something she enjoys (encourage something active). 
• Get active together as a family - instead of turning on the TV to unwind, go for a walk right after work or after dinner to unwind.

These are all ways to make time for each other - to connect - and to spend quality time as a family.  If you make a couple dents in your schedule for time with your wife and make them high priorities, then you and your wife will not feel so tired - you will gain some of your lost time back.  With the connection and the appreciated rest, your wife's libido will return along with her passion.

Have you ever been thinking about your wife all day in ways that get you really excited? And when you come home, you want to take her into the bedroom right away - almost as soon as you step through the door?  But then eeeeeerrrr (sound of screeching tires) - she says "but you just got home - can't we talk first."  pblsssssss (sound of a balloon deflating).  Now you feel rejected - and so does she.  Not a good night for sex - anymore.

Men require just the thought of sex and the sight of skin and all systems are a go.  But women require an emotional connection.  So what she was really saying was (possibly) "hey, I'm glad to see you and I want to talk to you, feel close, and then take it slow and maybe we'll end up in the bedroom."  No obligation - otherwise that takes the fun out of talking.

Remember that you used to take lots of time to talk to her and woo her into your arms.  You were interested in what she had to say - maybe because it was interesting and maybe because you hoped the patient listening would pay off in bed.  But now you've been married a while, so you may think you can just have sex whenever you want - by right.  This is the way every adolescent boy thinks of marriage.  But this is not how a husband should think of marriage.

Take some time and make an effort to see that your wife really loves you.  That is why she wants to talk with you.  She wants to share and get to know you every day.  That is her motivation - not to put you off.  If you understand that, then you can slow the motor down and enjoy her company.  She should be your friend that you want to spend time talking to.  And she should be your lover that you take time to woo into bed and make love with.

Keep in mind that she may have a lot in her head.  If it's not clear, she's not going to be in the mood.  So create an environment where she can vent, talk and relax.  Then she can focus on you.

Of course, if you have children, this may be a little different - but the principal remains the same: she wants to connect with you on an emotional level.  It takes more work, but you can do it.

Women talk a lot more than men.  If your wife asks you how your day was, the answer is likely to be: "fine."  That's it - if there was no police chase, no explosions, no winning lottery ticket and no one died, then there isn't much to report.

You know this: if you ask your wife about her day, you're in for an hour long description of everything that went down.  You will know what her co-workers said about her new shoes, the company org change, to the woman who didn't say "hi" back in the hall, to the cool new computer she just had installed.  If your wife is at home with the kids, you'll get even more detail about every potty event, every new word, and a play by play of all the good and the bad of the day.  Whew!

You've probably gotten really good at "uh-hu... yeah... mmm-hmmm..." and similar "keep alive" sounds and utterances.  We've all done it.  But later you'll hear something like: "What do you mean you didn't know?  I told you about Sally's kids, she has two and one's really sick."  The result - she knows you're not listening and she doesn't feel like you care.  That's not going to help you increase her passion and desire for you.

So - you want to improve your sex life?  Try this:  listen to her - really listen.  Make an effort.  This is an investment in your future, my friend, trust me.  Ask a couple of questions about someone in her day.  Preferably something positive or something about children.  Remember a couple of things.  Put them in your day planner if you have to.  Then a day or two later ask: "So - how is Sally's little girl, Becky?"  After the initial shock, your wife will love it.  And you will learn a lot about her in the process of talking with her and listening to her.  Pay attention.

She will feel listened to.  She will feel validated.  She will know you care.  She will feel more loved.  And her passion will grow and your sex life will improve.