From the Heart

First off: tell her - from the heart.  How?  Stop and look at her some time.  Pick your favorite part of her - it could be physical, like her eyes - or it could be something like the way she laughs.  Then think about how beautiful that is to you - internalize it.  Then take her by the hand, look into her eyes and take that internalization and express it - say: "you know... you have really pretty eyes" or "your laugh is so beautiful to me."  Since it is from the heart, she will melt.  Be sincere.  Be honest.

Dwell on Her Beauty

Start to dwell on the beauty you find in her.  Think about the things that are beautiful and that you appreciate about her.  Dream about her.  Love her in your mind and in your heart.  Then tell her about it:

• Send her a card
• Send her a random e-mail
• Look into her eyes and tell her. 
• When you wake in the middle of the night, whisper it to her with a light kiss. 
  
• Note: Keep in mind - you are not going to do this all the time - just a couple times a week.  Otherwise, it will be overwhelming.

Her Reactions

Do not be afraid.  If she reacts oddly, it may be because you are doing this out of character.  Then just tell her that you are making some changes in yourself.  Tell her you just want to start really appreciating her.  No matter her response, just keep doing it.

I've heard about some women who end up laughing - because of the shock of drastic change.  If this happens to you, just roll with it - it is kind of funny to have such drastic changes.  But keep doing it; and the laughs will turn into hugs; and the hugs into kisses; and the passion will grow.  (If she does not come around after a while, she may have something holding her back - you may need some outside help)

But for the most part, the jaws will drop; the tears of joy will well; the embrace will ensue; the kisses will be passionate; and the passion will grow.

When dealing with the female libido, we men have a hard time thinking outside of our paradigm.  If you start touching your wife, you think she should respond the way you would if she touches you.  But the female libido does not work this way.

If you're sitting on the couch and your wife suddenly slides her hand to your inner thigh and onward, you're probably going to be ready to drop everything, take her to the bedroom (or just start wherever you are) and make love with her.  That's sums it up for many men.  Men have about two buttons.  Women have many more.

However, if you're watching a movie and out of the blue, YOU slide your hand up her thigh, you can bet she will be less than ready to go.  It is obviously much more complex for a woman to get turned on   [Read More]

I have heard it all: from "I have a headache" to "I'm really tired" to just plain old "I'm not in the mood".  And each time it felt like rejection.  I used to think: "I am such a looser - I even get rejected by my wife!"  It was not a good feeling.

So I'd try pouring on the romance and expect her to throw me in bed.  Did she?  No.  That made it even worse!  It felt like the ultimate rejection!  Here I was doing all this "stuff" and ... nothing, nada, zip.  I had a lot of resentment and she did, too.  We couldn't understand each other.  She thought I only wanted her for sex and I thought she didn't care about me.

That was three years ago.  But now everything is different.  So - how did we get out of it?  How did we turn it around?  The truth is stranger than you think.  The truth is the opposite of what you'd expect.

But first, let's look at why she was "rejecting" me:

• She felt an "obligation" to have sex
• She felt pressured
• She thought that I only wanted sex - and it didn't matter if it was her or someone else
• She felt like an object
• She felt unloved

But why did she feel this way?  Because of what I was doing:

• I was putting a lot of pressure on her all the time
• After each rejection, I would redouble my efforts - which put even more pressure on her
• I was asking for it constantly
• I would almost beg for it
• I'd reason with her: "you're my wife - husbands and wives are supposed to have sex."
• I used to guilt her: "It's been so long and I have to do ‘other things' and it sucks."

Of course, this wasn't working and we were having a lot of arguments about all kinds of stupid little things. 

We went to counseling.  We went to sex therapy. We went to Church.  We bought books like 500 Lovemaking Tips and Secrets (which is really good, by the way).  When did it really change?  It changed with Church and with MY attitude.  Yes - with my attitude.

The major turn came when I honestly stopped expecting anything.  I figured out that my best   [Read More]

Even in light of our reduced romance lately, I want to keep her emotional libido tank full.  Yesterday in the kitchen after Dawn and I got home, we took a moment and just hugged for about 3 minutes.  That's a long time to just stand in the middle of the kitchen and hug.  It was like a little mini vacation.  I felt great after - it took much of my stress away.  And I know she enjoyed it as well.  We kind of got lost in each other's arms for those three minutes.  It was very romantic and very good for us both emotionally and for our libidos.

I wondered if other couples do this kind of thing.  We do it about twice a day - sometimes for only 30 seconds, but it's nice just the same.  It allows us to connect on a deeper level than just a peck on the lips hello.  It allows her to smell my skin and me to take in the scent of her hair. 

This is a very good way to build that connection with her that:   [Read More]

Female libido is really sensitive.  This weekend my wife and I were kissing in bed and everything was going well.  However, at one point things changed.  There was a connection that increased her desire from "I am doing this for you because I love you" to "I am doing this because I am so into you I can't stand it anymore and I want you."  Making love to satisfy her husband is good, but her really wanting it is far better.

It was so amazing that the next day, she sent me an IM saying that she could not stop thinking about last night - how she felt a really deep connection and was thinking about me all day.  When I got home, she found ways to get me away from the kids if only for a moment at a time to kiss passionately.  It was amazing.  It was exactly the kind of female libido enhancement that could make millions if it could be put in a bottle.

So what happened?  What made the change?  [Read More]

Fully explaining the female libido may seem impossible.  Well: that's because it is.  Yet there are some critical truths about the female libido that men should know and understand.

The female libido thrives on many things.  The top four are:

1. Feeling loved
2. Feeling wanted
3. Feeling safe and secure
4. Romantic anticipation and excitement

The Bible commands men to love their wives.  This is because God knows that a woman's greatest need is to be loved.  If you love your wife, and show her through loving service, you will be meeting a major need.  Her libido is directly connected to how much she feels loved.  Loved = better female libido.   [Read More]

"Women are emotionally based" - sounds obvious, but it's deeper than you think.  You may have noticed that your wife is an "emotional being".  Most women are.  So of course, you need to be sensitive to her needs and not slam her, for example, like you and the guys do to each other.  But it runs deeper than that.  Women use emotion, not logic, when responding to almost any given situation.

I don't know how many times I have been dumbfounded by Dawn's reactions to certain things.  For example, we both love the movie "Fight Club" (yeah, she's pretty cool).  Well: the first time we saw it, she commented that it had some really cool philosophical statements - it was pretty deep for a movie about fighting.  I totally agreed.  Fast forward 6 months... I was watching Fight Club again - but she was working on the computer.  I made the same comment.  She looked at me and said "psssh, whatever."  She was serious - this movie was not deep and not cool.  I was sitting there thinking "Are you the same person?!"  Wisely, I said nothing - let it slide.  Then fast forward another three months - we watched it together again - and guess what?  She said "This movie is cool - it's pretty deep."  AAAAAA!

What happened?  Either she's a little psycho or she's emotionally based.  Since I don't ever find knives under her pillow, I can rule out psycho.  ;-)   So - the first time, she was totally involved in the movie and her emotions were aligned with it - she was into it.  The second time, it was background noise - she was a little annoyed with it.  No positive comments allowed with negative emotions.  The third time, again she was into it. 

This happens all the time and it causes a lot of unnecessary conflict in relationships.  Have you ever asked your wife about something and got a negative response - but then later it changes into a positive?  We all have.  Confusing?  Yes.  Unexpected?  No.  Instead of getting mad and arguing the point until you are both frothing at the mouth, give her some time.  Let it sink in.  Let her mood change.  Then re-visit the subject.  You may have to try a couple of times.  Of course, many times it will change.  Then get it in writing (just kidding) - but do make sure you are both clear: repeat the agreement and that you are both on the same page. 

Do NOT expect her to be logical like you - God wired her different from you, it's perfectly normal and it's ok.  Remember: if your wife is stressed, annoyed or angry, it will be like Calvin and Hobbs' "Opposite Day".  Everything will be different later - just don't shove it down her throat - give her space and a little time.  Less conflict means she will be happier and you will be closer.  Happy and closer means she will be in the mood more frequently.  Thus understanding her and how to work with her emotional reactions will improve your sex life.

You can rev-up your wife's libido, get some relaxation and have a mini-vacation by interrupting your routine and "creating" a four day weekend in just two days.  The principal behind this "four day weekend" is this: when we get into our routines, our minds know what's coming up next; you kind of go on auto-pilot: your brain expects the next move and it is already two moves down the track.  As a result, time moves really fast.  So throw a wrench in the routine and gain some time your brain didn't know was there... 

Try this to have a four day weekend in just two days (if there are chores to be done, be sure to use 20 minutes each night Monday through Thursday to finish them as a team - there will be no chores on this four day weekend):

1. The set up:  This is where you jump start getting your mind into break-mode.  On Friday night, plan to have a couple of friends over for dinner.  Get some take-out food and set the table to make it nice, but not too much work.  Enjoy the break in the routine and watch what happens…
2. "Day 1".  Saturday - wake up early.  Yes - once you get past the groaning, everything will be fine.  Make your wife and kids some breakfast.  If you can't cook, try toasting some waffles and topping them with sliced strawberries.  Go do something out of the house - go to a park or something like that.  At this point, you will "feel like" Friday night was Saturday and you are in Sunday.  Go back home around 1:00pm and take a 45 minute nap (we put the kids down for naps, too). 
3. "Day 2".  After you wake from your nap, get ready for the new day as you would on any regular morning.  Then have some lunch and go out again.  I suggest something like mini golf or a movie.  Have some friends or family over early Saturday night for hors d'oeuvres just to hang out.  Now you will be asking yourself: "is tomorrow a work day?"  Get to bed a little early so you can have some alone time with your wife.  Get a good night's sleep.
4. "Day 3". Again, wake early Sunday morning.  Go for a walk as a family.  Go out to eat for breakfast.  We are fortunate to be able to walk about a mile to a good breakfast restaurant.  Do something fun - go shopping (if you find that fun), take in a matinee, something you and the family can do together.  When you get back, you guessed it: take a short nap.  Resets the brain.
5. "Day 4". - After you wake, take a quick shower with your wife (or not so quick if the kids are sleeping / occupied, if you get my drift) and get ready for the day.  By now you will be feeling like you should be at work, but you realize that you have the whole afternoon and evening left!  It is a good feeling.  Spend the rest of the day enjoying your family - get to bed early for that quality time with your wife.

After a couple of these four day weekends, your wife will be more relaxed and your connection will be stronger.  Of course, avoid fighting at all costs - and avoid talking about finances or work if at all possible.  Both of you will be less stressed and she will be more relaxed - she will feel closer to you - and her libido will be on the rise.  It can be very healthy for you both and for your relationship.

If you have a big decision to make and you look to your wife for her opinion, one of three things may happen.  She says it's important to her and really wants to do it, she says she doesn't like it, or she says "I don't know - what do you think?"  The third option can drive you mad.  "Arrrgh!  Just tell me what you want!"

Of course this is because we men innately want to please our wives.  It's in us.  That's why we are directed by God to love and serve our wives - because that's what ultimately will make us happy.  But in this case, what the heck are you supposed to do?  The reason it is maddening is that you want to please her, but she won't tell you what she wants.  You are afraid of making a bad choice and disappointing her.  So what's going on here?

Besides loving and serving our wives, we are to lead our households.  And wives innately know this - it is in them (please don't take offense, ladies - remember the perfect circle of the marriage relationship - we lead, but we do so by serving you).  So in this case, she may be looking to you to take the lead and make the call. 

I suggest that you tell her that you are going to make the call, that you want to do what is right for her, and that you need her to respect your choice - because she is not giving you any feedback.  Then make a decision that is in her best interest and stick by it.  (Unless she is really upset - then tell her that she needs to communicate with you because you ultimately want to please her - unless it's a bad decision for the household - like something you cannot afford, etc. - this is not intended as a blanket statement)  But otherwise, stick to your decision and follow through.

In a nut-shell: when she vacillates, she is looking to you for leadership.  So lead.  This will make you more attractive to her - when you're more attractive to her, her libido will improve as a result.  Women want their men to please them, but they also want their men to be men - to be leaders. 

Note: yes, I know there are plenty of women leaders, but in a household situation like this, the man is being called upon to take the lead and make the call - so he should not pussyfoot around - the husband should make the call - that is the point. 

Attitude is everything.  It is a major factor in your wife's libido level.  If you have a loving attitude, you will get far.  If you have a selfish or self centered attitude, she'll withdraw.

What do I mean by attitude?  I mean not only how you perceive things, but how you act and react to things.  Your reactions are a mirror of your true attitude.  For example: if your wife asks you to get out of bed to get her something and you sigh heavily and say "sure, hunny," she's going to feel you are put out.  BUT - if she sighs that she forgot something and starts to get up and you get up first and say, "don't worry, hunny, I'll get it for you," she's going to feel really appreciative, taken care of and loved. 

On one hand, you have to get up and will come back to a semi-warm thank you - on the other hand, you will have to get up and will come back to a loving kiss (and a deposit into her emotional libido tank).  Either way you have to get up.  Which way do you want to do it?

So let go of yourself.  You are a man - and you take care of your wife.  Trust me: she will take care of you when she sees your attitude of love.  When she feels loved and safe and taken care of - when she knows in her heart that you would do anything for her - her libido will be on the rise and you will reap what you have sown.

Even if you have sex often, your wife's libido is in danger of dying if you always have the same routine.  If you really want to increase her libido and keep it there, you need to get out of the routine.  It is easy to get into a comfortable rut when it comes to sex.  Especially if you have children and you both work.  Who has the energy to get all creative with sex and romance when you're beating a desk all day and dealing with kids all night? 

Believe me, I know: all three of my boys have been sick on and off for two weeks.  The baby can't breathe while he's nursing and has been simply miserable.  And my wife and I have been exhausted every night.  (Which is why I have not been writing new posts.)

So - what can I do?  Well, I have arranged to surprise her to break up the routine.  I cannot say what it is because she reads this blog.  But guess what?  Just the excitement of planning this surprise has given me energy that I thought I didn't have.

The point?  The point is that the prospect of making her happy, refreshing our relationship with something new and increasing her libido is giving me the fuel I needed.  So - even if thinking about doing something seems tiring, once you start and get involved, it will provide the fuel you need.  It gives you energy - and she will feed off that energy.

When it comes to romance, a break in the routine can do wonders.  But when it comes to sex, breaking up the routine can be amazing!  If you always do it in your bed at bed time and do the same things, then the excitement will dwindle.  To keep your wife's libido at a high point, you cannot afford to let her get bored.

Making it different can add spark.  Try a different place.  If she's a cleanliness nut, then bring beach towel.  It can be a place in your room - just not the bed: try it with her against a wall, or on a chair, on the floor, etc.  Of course a different room is great, too.  It is amazing how simply changing the location (not to mention positions) can give sex a whole new feeling.  She'll appreciate the sense of adventure and the break in the routine.  She'll be looking forward to what you'll do next.  And you'll appreciate her increased libido as a result.