When you have two people living together and sharing everything, you are going to have conflict.  It is unavoidable.  However, conflict degenerating into a knock down drag out fight is completely avoidable.  It is all in how you react.  Not how she reacts - only you.  You cannot control her - you can only control yourself. 

The last time I had a fight with Dawn was when I was mad about her not doing something she always asks me to do.  And when I brought it up, she got defensive and irritated about it.  My "fairness meter" was buzzing like crazy - it's a trigger point with me.

So there I was - mad about an apparent injustice and she was there being mad at ME.  Ugh!  So I'm thinking about tearing into her, yelling, stomping off, etc. etc.   [Read More]

"Women are emotionally based" - sounds obvious, but it's deeper than you think.  You may have noticed that your wife is an "emotional being".  Most women are.  So of course, you need to be sensitive to her needs and not slam her, for example, like you and the guys do to each other.  But it runs deeper than that.  Women use emotion, not logic, when responding to almost any given situation.

I don't know how many times I have been dumbfounded by Dawn's reactions to certain things.  For example, we both love the movie "Fight Club" (yeah, she's pretty cool).  Well: the first time we saw it, she commented that it had some really cool philosophical statements - it was pretty deep for a movie about fighting.  I totally agreed.  Fast forward 6 months... I was watching Fight Club again - but she was working on the computer.  I made the same comment.  She looked at me and said "psssh, whatever."  She was serious - this movie was not deep and not cool.  I was sitting there thinking "Are you the same person?!"  Wisely, I said nothing - let it slide.  Then fast forward another three months - we watched it together again - and guess what?  She said "This movie is cool - it's pretty deep."  AAAAAA!

What happened?  Either she's a little psycho or she's emotionally based.  Since I don't ever find knives under her pillow, I can rule out psycho.  ;-)   So - the first time, she was totally involved in the movie and her emotions were aligned with it - she was into it.  The second time, it was background noise - she was a little annoyed with it.  No positive comments allowed with negative emotions.  The third time, again she was into it. 

This happens all the time and it causes a lot of unnecessary conflict in relationships.  Have you ever asked your wife about something and got a negative response - but then later it changes into a positive?  We all have.  Confusing?  Yes.  Unexpected?  No.  Instead of getting mad and arguing the point until you are both frothing at the mouth, give her some time.  Let it sink in.  Let her mood change.  Then re-visit the subject.  You may have to try a couple of times.  Of course, many times it will change.  Then get it in writing (just kidding) - but do make sure you are both clear: repeat the agreement and that you are both on the same page. 

Do NOT expect her to be logical like you - God wired her different from you, it's perfectly normal and it's ok.  Remember: if your wife is stressed, annoyed or angry, it will be like Calvin and Hobbs' "Opposite Day".  Everything will be different later - just don't shove it down her throat - give her space and a little time.  Less conflict means she will be happier and you will be closer.  Happy and closer means she will be in the mood more frequently.  Thus understanding her and how to work with her emotional reactions will improve your sex life.

You have to ask yourself: are you in a contest or a relationship?  Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?  I think most men would say "b" on one and two.  Otherwise, they wouldn't be on this site.

When you argue, do you stand strong, or do you listen and see?  I initially stand strong - which never gets us anywhere.  But it's in my nature.  However, I have been making changes.  When I see that I am wrong (which takes an open mind), that's it: end of argument - she is right - and I apologize and give her a hug.  You'd be surprised at how quickly she'll be kissing you if you can just be a man and admit when you're wrong.

Frequently, an argument boils down to a simple misunderstanding.  I said something and meant one thing - but Dawn takes it the opposite way.  And later I find out that she's mad - which makes me mad because I feel like I did nothing wrong.  "But you were acting like I'm a total ____."  "No I wasn't"  "Yes you were - you had that look on your face."  Of course what she didn't know was that I was just pissed off at my computer or something.

So we go around and around a couple of times.  Then finally I listen.  She explains her perspective.  I say "oh - that was because I had just lost an hour's worth of work."  Now she is feeling better - except for the battle we just had for no reason.  So - we agree that I will try to let her know when something else is bugging me - like: "hunny, I am really tired and irritated at ___, so if I am short with you, just know it's not you."  And she'll try and realize that I am not her enemy - that if something can be taken two ways, I honestly meant it the better way.

Now we have very short arguments - usually.  It's been 150% better.  And I love it - so does she.  And the end result: we are closer, she trusts me more, she is more relaxed with me, and her emotional libido tank is filling up. 

If you have a big decision to make and you look to your wife for her opinion, one of three things may happen.  She says it's important to her and really wants to do it, she says she doesn't like it, or she says "I don't know - what do you think?"  The third option can drive you mad.  "Arrrgh!  Just tell me what you want!"

Of course this is because we men innately want to please our wives.  It's in us.  That's why we are directed by God to love and serve our wives - because that's what ultimately will make us happy.  But in this case, what the heck are you supposed to do?  The reason it is maddening is that you want to please her, but she won't tell you what she wants.  You are afraid of making a bad choice and disappointing her.  So what's going on here?

Besides loving and serving our wives, we are to lead our households.  And wives innately know this - it is in them (please don't take offense, ladies - remember the perfect circle of the marriage relationship - we lead, but we do so by serving you).  So in this case, she may be looking to you to take the lead and make the call. 

I suggest that you tell her that you are going to make the call, that you want to do what is right for her, and that you need her to respect your choice - because she is not giving you any feedback.  Then make a decision that is in her best interest and stick by it.  (Unless she is really upset - then tell her that she needs to communicate with you because you ultimately want to please her - unless it's a bad decision for the household - like something you cannot afford, etc. - this is not intended as a blanket statement)  But otherwise, stick to your decision and follow through.

In a nut-shell: when she vacillates, she is looking to you for leadership.  So lead.  This will make you more attractive to her - when you're more attractive to her, her libido will improve as a result.  Women want their men to please them, but they also want their men to be men - to be leaders. 

Note: yes, I know there are plenty of women leaders, but in a household situation like this, the man is being called upon to take the lead and make the call - so he should not pussyfoot around - the husband should make the call - that is the point. 

Once my wife specifically told me that on a special day: "You don't need to get me anything."  Of course I replied that I would most certainly get her something.  She insisted.  "Seriously, we need to save money - I don't need anything," she said.  Again, I said no way.  She really, really insisted.  Thinking I was respecting her wishes, I agreed.

The day came and went.  She was disappointed, but tried to hide it.  I asked why... "well, it's always nice to get something, even a little thing."  Argh!  What?  I laughed about it, but inside I felt jilted.  I thought it was really unfair and sort of dishonest.  I felt like I stepped into a trap.  But she was not using it against me in any way - so there must have been something more to it...

I puzzled over this on and off for about two years.  I was discussing the matter with a friend today.  I think I hit on it.  Women don't want you to do things out of obligation - they want you to do things out of love.  So - by lifting the obligation away, I would have only acted out of love.  Of course, men are logical and recognize respect as important.  So my effort was to "respect" her wishes.

Women, on the other hand, recognize love as important.  And by "respecting" her wishes, I ended up not showing her love.  Dang those pesky differences!  She was attempting to make a space free of obligation where I could act from my own love and desire to please her - and I missed the boat entirely.

I said all that to say this: Valentine's day is 10 days away... no matter what she says, what you do matters.  So do something and do it out of love.  Check out my Valentine's Day ideas to get your mind moving.  I'll be posting more ideas when I have more time.

Did having kids kill the passion?  If it didn't, you're lucky (and probably not needing to read stuff like this).  With 1 or 2 or 3 or... ugh - are you crazy? - little people depending on you and your wife for everything from food and clothing to play time and discipline, it is no surprise that there may be little left over for passion.  A quick rundown of what you're dealing with (not to rub it in, but here you go):

1. No time.  By the time you get home from work, say hello, deal with homework, have play time, get dinner done, get them ready for bed, put them in bed, provide the 9th water / check my closet / "I'm still hungry" / "read me a story" request, you and your wife are beat!  Then you pay bills, etc., sit down for some TV and BAM! Before you know it the day has gone and its time for mommy and daddy to go to bed.
2. No energy.  See above!
3. Too many demands.  See above!

Now - with no time, no energy, and so many demands, how can you and your wife make an emotional connection?  She needs an emotional connection to you to feel close and feel passion and desire for you.  No connection, no passion.  Where's the energy for your wife to stay fit or get fit (which would help her body image and thus increase her libido)?  Where's the energy for her to muster up some desire?

Of course, you're superman.  If she shows up in a teddy and has that "look" in her eye, you are up and ready to go - just what you need to get all the stress out of your system!  It would be nice if women dealt with stress the way we do.  But God wants us to learn patience, selflessness, kindness and grace.  We can only learn this from adversity and challenges.  Dang!

So - here is the challenge: how do you take the energy you would have put into sex and direct it towards your wife in other ways?  You create pockets of time for her to rest.  You make moments to connect.

Here's a stretch (for me, anyway): get organized! 

• Set time aside each week to go through all the bills - in the mean time: don't touch them. 
• Set strict rules on TV time.  Pick a small handful of shows to watch.  If you can, get a digital recorder and watch only recorded shows; then you can skip over commercials.
• If you find yourself searching for "something" to watch, turn it off.
• Eat dinner at the table and talk to each other.  Make a rule that kids are included, but they need to be quiet and wait their turn if mommy and daddy are talking (my 4 year old has been on a few timeouts and doesn't disrupt nearly as much anymore.)
• When the kids go to bed, take your wife outside and just look at the starts holding hands.  Or put on some nice music and invite her to sit and enjoy a drink with you - just chat. 
• Offer to take the kids a couple times a week so she can go do something she enjoys (encourage something active). 
• Get active together as a family - instead of turning on the TV to unwind, go for a walk right after work or after dinner to unwind.

These are all ways to make time for each other - to connect - and to spend quality time as a family.  If you make a couple dents in your schedule for time with your wife and make them high priorities, then you and your wife will not feel so tired - you will gain some of your lost time back.  With the connection and the appreciated rest, your wife's libido will return along with her passion.

Have you ever been thinking about your wife all day in ways that get you really excited? And when you come home, you want to take her into the bedroom right away - almost as soon as you step through the door?  But then eeeeeerrrr (sound of screeching tires) - she says "but you just got home - can't we talk first."  pblsssssss (sound of a balloon deflating).  Now you feel rejected - and so does she.  Not a good night for sex - anymore.

Men require just the thought of sex and the sight of skin and all systems are a go.  But women require an emotional connection.  So what she was really saying was (possibly) "hey, I'm glad to see you and I want to talk to you, feel close, and then take it slow and maybe we'll end up in the bedroom."  No obligation - otherwise that takes the fun out of talking.

Remember that you used to take lots of time to talk to her and woo her into your arms.  You were interested in what she had to say - maybe because it was interesting and maybe because you hoped the patient listening would pay off in bed.  But now you've been married a while, so you may think you can just have sex whenever you want - by right.  This is the way every adolescent boy thinks of marriage.  But this is not how a husband should think of marriage.

Take some time and make an effort to see that your wife really loves you.  That is why she wants to talk with you.  She wants to share and get to know you every day.  That is her motivation - not to put you off.  If you understand that, then you can slow the motor down and enjoy her company.  She should be your friend that you want to spend time talking to.  And she should be your lover that you take time to woo into bed and make love with.

Keep in mind that she may have a lot in her head.  If it's not clear, she's not going to be in the mood.  So create an environment where she can vent, talk and relax.  Then she can focus on you.

Of course, if you have children, this may be a little different - but the principal remains the same: she wants to connect with you on an emotional level.  It takes more work, but you can do it.

If you want your wife to be open with her sexual desires and if you want her to be sexual, then she needs to feel beautiful and sexy.  Even if she is a classically beautiful fashion model, she may not feel it inside.  Some of the most beautiful women in the world are not happy with themselves - thus all the plastic surgery in Hollywood.  If she is not beautiful in the classic sense of the "world" then she is certainly beautiful to you.  So how do you make her feel beautiful?

From the Heart

First off: tell her - from the heart.  How?  Stop and look at her some time.  Pick your favorite part of her - it could be physical, like her eyes - or it could be something like the way she laughs.  Then think about how beautiful that is to you - internalize it.  Then take her by the hand, look into her eyes and take that internalization and express it - say: "you know... you have really pretty eyes" or "your laugh is so beautiful to me."  Since it is from the heart, she will melt.  Be sincere.  Be honest.

Dwell on Her Beauty

Start to dwell on the beauty you find in her.  Think about the things that are beautiful and that you appreciate about her.  Dream about her.  Love her in your mind and in your heart.  Then tell her about it:

• Send her a card
• Send her a random e-mail
• Look into her eyes and tell her. 
• When you wake in the middle of the night, whisper it to her with a light kiss. 
  
• Note: Keep in mind - you are not going to do this all the time - just a couple times a week.  Otherwise, it will be overwhelming.

Her Reactions

Do not be afraid.  If she reacts oddly, it may be because you are doing this out of character.  Then just tell her that you are making some changes in yourself.  Tell her you just want to start really appreciating her.  No matter her response, just keep doing it.

I've heard about some women who end up laughing - because of the shock of drastic change.  If this happens to you, just roll with it - it is kind of funny to have such drastic changes.  But keep doing it; and the laughs will turn into hugs; and the hugs into kisses; and the passion will grow.  (If she does not come around after a while, she may have something holding her back - you may need some outside help)

But for the most part, the jaws will drop; the tears of joy will well; the embrace will ensue; the kisses will be passionate; and the passion will grow.

A lot of couples are tired after a day of work and they just feel like “vegging” in front of the TV.  I’m here to tell ya: the TV can quickly eat up 2 to 4 hours of time in your evenings.  That is time you could have spent getting close to your wife.  Who do you want to be closer to: the guys from the show The Office or the woman you married?  The answer is hopefully the woman you married (otherwise, please stop reading and call a counselor for the sake of your marriage).  

More Time = Growing Closer

So you’ve got 2 to 4 hours of free time.  What the heck do you do with it.  If you haven’t had that kind of time with your wife in a while, it may feel awkward at first.  The same goes for time with the children, if you have them.  But let it happen.  It is likely you will end up cleaning up around the house at first.  But then conversation will begin.  And be ready to listen.  Learn to talk with your wife again.  Learn to play with the kids again.  Help your wife with clean up and then sit and relax with her. 

You will grow closer – as a couple and as a family.  You will begin to feel more intimacy towards your wife and she will really feel more intimacy towards you.  The side benefit for both of you: she will want you more – there will be more sex in your life.  

TiVo for Relationships

If you have a favorite show, I suggest getting a TiVo – you can watch a 1 hour program in about 40 minutes by fast forwarding through commercials.  And when you sit – sit together.  I like to have my wife lay with her head on my lap and I go on “auto pilot” and run my fingers through her hair and caress her back while we watch our favorite show.  She LOVES it!  And I enjoy it, too – plus it is not a difficult thing to do.

So: you can make time and shut off the TV and grow closer.  You can take limited TV time and make it a time for loving physical affection towards your wife.

If your wife knows in her heart that she is your one true love, then her passion for you will have fertile ground to grow in.  Yeah - that sounds really sappy, right?  And is there really "one true love"?  Some would say there are many people you could fall in love with - honestly, this may be the case.  So how do you show your wife that she is your one true love?  You show her that she is your only love - that you don't love any other woman - and that you don;t want to. 

She needs to know that you are not secretly wishing you met someone else.  She needs to know that you do not regret choosing her.  If she has the slightest inkling that you wish she was different - or that you see other women and "wonder" what if, then she will not be at ease that you love only her.

100% Acceptance of Your Wife

You need to accept your wife for who she is - 100%.  That does not mean she is perfect - no one is perfect.  It does not mean that she won't grow and change as your relationship grows.  And it does not mean that she doesn't have to work on her personal issues the same as you do (face it: we ALL have them).  What it means is that you accept her for who she is today.  It means you accept her with her strengths and her faults.  It means you are grateful to God that she is your wife. 

When you build an environment of acceptance, then she will have the freedom and desire to grow and change because she WANTS TO - no because she HAS TO.

How to Truly Accept Your Wife

How do you accept her?  First, you need to work on your expectations.  You probably have a list of expectations that she has not fulfilled.  One of them has to do with how she is in the bedroom.  One of them may be that she is always sweet and kind to you.  Well... these are just resentments waiting to happen.  She is human.  She will fall into a rut.  She will get cranky.  She will not meet your expectations all the time.  And you cannot make her.  So as your inner resentment grows, it begins to show.  She will feel it and she will react by being more distant, cranky and falling short of more of your expectations - and so the destructive circle begins.

So what do you do?  Throw out your expectations.  It is time to be a man and begin leading by example.  Lead by accepting that you cannot change her.  She may TRY to change you, but don't let that bother you.  Make changes in yourself.  Begin to serve her and love her 100%.  She will see. 

It is not easy.  You have to take the high road.  And that's where a test of manhood comes in to play.  Stop trying to prove yourself right.  Stop trying to make sure she notices you did the dishes (they needed to be done anyway, right? - be happy you were man enough to do them). 

It is easy to get angry and plant the seeds of resentment - but it is much harder to be untouched by these things and be content - that is why it takes a man to do it.  If you can take the high road and be happy and content, then you will eliminate resentment from your life.

When you slip, collect yourself and think about it - is it better to live in anger or to live with contentment? 

Then you need to let her know you love her 100%.

• Tell her that you are a lucky man for having her
• Tell her that you are happy you chose her as your bride
• Kiss her frequently and look her in the eyes
• Spend time with her
• Shut off the TV and talk
• Listen to her

DO NOT:

• Look lustfully at other women
• Use sarcasm against her
• Talk about past loves
• Watch porn
• Complain about her faults

Accept her and love her.  That's what she needs.  Give her room to breathe and she will want to grow and her passion will begin to flourish.

How do you build trust?  Over time - with practice.  Aside from being honest and faithful, building trust has to do with how you react to things.  If you always react negatively, she will have fear, not trust.  If you always react positively, her fear will evaporate and trust will grow.  With sexuality, our most personal and intimate area, fear of rejection is huge.  If you always react in a positive way in other areas of your lives and conversations, then she is more likely to trust you won't reject her when she reveals her innermost desires to you.

So - how do you react?  One indicator of a relationship's health is how the couple argues.  You want to move from throwing dishes and breaking stuff (in the extreme) to sitting down and talking things through - ending with understanding and a hug and kiss.

So begin with lowering your defenses.  If something can be taken two ways, take it in the most positive way.  Always give her the benefit of the doubt.  Always assume she is on your side and that you are together. 

There will be conflict in any relationship.  It is healthy when both parties feel safe when they express themselves, so listen to each other and try to figure out what's really going on.  Arguments are seldom about the thing being discussed - but more often about a list of perceived injustices.  So flush them out into the open.  Talk about them, resolve them - one at a time.  If you cannot do this yourselves, get some help.

• Never lie to each other
• Never be secretive

One thing you can do is make agreements. For example: if you are more than (insert mutually agreed to time frame here) minutes late, call as a courtesy out of respect - not out of fear or monitored obligation.  Remember: you are both adults and do not need to be monitored - but you do need to be courteous out of mutual respect and love.

• Never lie to others

If your wife sees you lie to others, she will wonder if you lie to her.  You have to BE trustworthy.  Then she will start to trust you.

• Always do what you promise to do
• Be dependable

I am project challenged.  But I have made it a point to get things done that I promise to do.  And so my wife's trust for me grows - and so does her passion.

• Take the high road

Sometimes you have to "man-up" and just let go of being right and tell her you really did not intend to hurt her feelings.  (If you did intend to hurt her feelings, then you are missing the whole point - get some assistance.)  Tell her you are on her side and on the same team.  Swallow your pride and ego and just care for her feelings and she will appreciate it.  For the most part, women are not logical - they are emotional - so don't try to fix and prove - you may win but you will lose much more.  Be a man and take one for the team.