The stages of marriage happen to every couple.  They usually happen in the same order.  Some couples have no idea what is in store and they fool themselves into thinking that the tingles and the butterflies will last forever; so when challenges come along, they are unprepared to cope. 

If you know what's coming then you can be mentally ready to stick to it.  Knowing that the stages of marriage you are going through are normal helps stave off divorce. 

Too often people expect their marriage to be different from the rest: "we'd never do that" or "not us - we are SO in love!"  People want the movie marriage with the happy ending.  What they don't see is what happens after the movie ends - so here it is in a nutshell.  The chart below shows relative happiness as it relates to each stage as time passes.   [Read More]

Want a Great Marriage?  Many men gripe about their marriages.  However: any man can have a great marriage - when he looks to himself for the changes.  That was rather blunt; because it is true.  When you try to change your wife expecting that her changes will make for a great marriage, you only build resentment on both sides.  You build resentment in each of you for two reasons:

1. You cannot change someone else - when you try, they resist and resent you.
2. When you expect her to change and she resists, your expectation is not met and turns to resentment.

Now you have double resentment for all your efforts.  So how on Earth can you make the relationship grow? (not change: grow)   [Read More]

When I mention Christian marriage, I don't want to exclude other faiths or non-faiths.  I am Christian, and I have a great marriage.  However, this does not mean you must be Christian to have a great marriage.  I know several couples in great Christian marriages and several couples in great "non-Christian" marriages.  The reason I consistently use Biblical marriage principals as a basis for a marriage advice and suggestions is it works. 

The non-Christians I know with great marriages unknowingly have many aspects of their marriage in line with Biblical marriage principals.  And it is in large part due to these aspects of their marriages that they are successful.  So - for people of other faiths or agnostics or even atheists reading these posts, please take what you can from it - anyone can learn from  [Read More]

In an article by a self proclaimed "steadily married woman," this "everycouple" wife dreams of divorce.  She describes her husband as not a bad man, but a "moderately bad man" like every other man married to every other woman.  She tells a tale of her hum-drum annoying marriage and all the things that continually disgust her and annoy her about her husband.  She goes further to state that every woman she knows is going through this "Mid-Wife Crisis" - she states:

"...when I say Mid-Wife Crisis, I mean the middle-of-married-life kind...  ...As one girlfriend remarked, it's the age of rage - a period of high irritation that lasts roughly one to two decades. As a colleague e-mailed me, it's the simmering underbelly of resentment, the 600-pound mosquito in the room. At a juncture where we thought we should have unearthed some modicum of certainty, we are turning into the Clash. If I go will there be trouble? If I stay will it be double? Should I stay or should I go?" 

Apparently there are many, many women who feel this way.  Is your wife secretly one of them?   [Read More]

At ChristianMarriage.com I found what I initially thought was a great resource on Christian Marriage.  As I got into reading the site, I began to see the fire and brimstone attitude that has driven so many away from Christ.  ChristianMarriage.com seems mired in the Old Testament. 

The site calls on Old Testament Law and seems to level judgment and threats against those who are sinning.  The first thing that ChristianMarrage.com should know is that Christians are not to pass judgment on anyone.  Christians are commanded to love people - all people - to attract them to Christ; not condemn people and drive them away.  And they should know that they (the pastors at ChristianMarrage.com) are not sin free - we are all sinners - we are human.  That is why Christ came:  [Read More]

My wife sent me a link to an article about why nice guys are unappealing to women.  It's pretty good - see: Dating Secret Exposed: Why Nice Guys Finish Last on Yahoo.  Of course, you're not dating your wife - you're married to her, but the principals still apply - she is still a woman and she desires a real man.

Now: here I am saying you should love and serve your wife selflessly to increase her libido.  So it sounds like this blog is about how to be super, super nice and attentive and eager to please.  This is exactly what the article says not to do!  But in fact, this blog is not about being too nice - it is not about gushing over your wife.  It is about loving her and serving her for the best interest of the family and your marriage.   [Read More]

You met your wife for a reason.  You married her for a reason.  In marriage, you will learn more about yourself and more about letting go of selfish ways than almost anything else in life.  The only time you will learn more is when you have children.

So if you are wondering why your wife may not be as sexual, romantic and passionate as when you first met, consider how you have changed.  Have you become more or less selfish?  Trust me: I was a pretty selfish person before I got married.  Of course I was, it was just me - everything I did was in my best interest.  The old "look out for number one" attitude.  Yes, I did nice things for others, but at the end of the day, it was about me.  Most men are in the same boat.

Enter a wonderful wife.  What happens when you are no longer able to look out for number one?  What happens when you have to consider another person's feelings before your own?  Many times the answer is simple: resentment.

You may have had all kinds of expectations: lots of sex all the time, a hot meal every night, few arguments since you are the head of the household.  All those expectations you had were really premeditated resentments.  Then reality hits - jobs, chores, responsibilities.  And you find that your wife is tired at the end of the day - as are you.  When she doesn't meet the standards you had imagined in your mind, you end up disappointed.  So - you can go two ways:

1. You can be the husband that talks to his friends about "the ol' ball and chain."
2. You can be the husband who always puts his wife in a good light and longs to get home to see her.

The difference between 1 and 2 above is summed up in one word: choice.  If you choose to hold onto your expectations and resentments, then you will always feel trapped and tied down - the ball and chain.  But if you choose to let go and see your wife as the person God paired you with to teach you and help you grow into a better person - and you accept her as an individual with needs only you can meet, then you can feel honored to have such an opportunity. 

It is when you take the gift that has been given to you and cherish her and love her that you will begin to grow.  It is when you start dwelling each day on how you can make her life better - how you can make her smile - that you will reap the rewards of a fulfilling marriage.  When you love her and accept her in this way, she will want to meet your needs.  She will become more attracted to you and more intimate with you.  Her emotional libido will soar and her sex drive will kick into high gear.

Is this an easy thing to do?  No.  You never learn when something is handed to you - you only learn and grow through effort and self sacrifice.  But when you get there, you will find that your marriage will be more passionate and fulfilling than you ever thought possible.  You will be the husband who longs to see his wife at the end of the day - and she will long to see you.  I believe this is what God intends for marriage - it's time to accept your wife as His gift to you and cherish her.

What you watch on TV and at the movies has an effect on you and your wife.  For example: if you and your wife spend time in front of the TV watching violent shows, your wife is far less likely to be in the mood for romance later.  In fact, one study showed that two thirds of women surveyed were not interested in snuggling in bed - let alone anything more - after watching a violent show.

Save the scary and violent movies to watch with the guys - and spend more time watching comedy or drama with your wife.  Of course, you could shock her and watch a romantic "chick flick" together.  Be sure to pull her close and let her snuggle up to you. After watching a comedy or romance movie, she will be much more likely to be romantic later. 

Perhaps more importantly: notice how you are affected by what you watch.  For example, watching images of sexy women may be enjoyable, but it begins to set a standard in your mind.  In your mind you will find yourself automatically comparing your wife to those air brushed, computer enhanced, perfectly lighted, $1000 hair-do,  team of makeup artist-worked-on-her-for-two-hours super hot sexy girls on film and in magazines.  Talk about setting up unrealistic expectations! 

When your mind sees your wife compared to unreal (literally unreal) beauty, you may find yourself wondering "what if" or "I wish".  The fact is your wife can tell when you're looking at her and thinking about ways she could change by comparing her to someone else. How can she tell?  Most women already compare themselves to other women.  They do it constantly and they can tell when you do it.  She can feel you comparing her to others in your mind, validating her insecurities about how she looks. This is nothing but destructive to her libido and self image. This does not help your wife feel sexy, loved or wanted. 

How do you make her feel sexy, loved and wanted? When you look at her, look only at her.  Don't be thinking about someone else.  Let her know you accept her for her true beauty, not the unrealistic beauty put forth by the media and movie industry.  Accept her 100%. Focus on her - don't drift.  Be with her 100%.  She is your wife.  Those other impossible beauties are not.  Make your wife happy and secure.  She will reciprocate, trust me.

Bear with me here... When I tell people on forums and in my coaching that I have modeled my marriage after the Biblical picture of marriage, they usually roll their eyes.  I can imagine their picture of Biblical marriage: wife at home slaving over the stove with two babies at her feet.  When her husband comes home, she rushes to greet him and gets him the paper, sits him in an easy chair and gets dinner on the table.  After dinner he sits down to watch TV while she cleans, gets him a beer and takes care of the kids.  Wow.  Not exactly the best way to get your wife in the mood.

The reality is that the biblical picture of marriage is a perfect circle.  One where the husband leads, loves and serves his wife; where everything the husband does is for the benefit of his wife and the marriage.  And the wife respects and follows the husband's lead.  Where she provides for his needs and he provides for hers.  Biblical marriage is one where both the husband and wife treat each other as they would treat themselves.    (Ephesians 5: 22-33) And here's the interesting part - Biblical marriage provides for both husband and wife to be satisfied sexually. (1 Corinthians 7:1-5)

Since my wife and I became Christian and learned these things from Church and organizations like Family Life, things have gotten exponentially better.  I have made a huge change in my attitude: I no longer think of myself (at least I try not to) - I try to think of my wife; I do things for her just because I love her.  And she has done the same. 

We also no longer have as many conflicts due to role confusion - where we are both trying to be the head chef, so to speak.  Is my very intelligent independent self sufficient wife ok with this?  Yes.  Because she can see how the roles are equally important - they are just different. 

In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker [physically] than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.  - 1 Peter 3:7 (NLT)

She knows I will be doing everything in my power to love, serve, honor, protect and provide for her.

If you are not Christian, I hope you can see the logic behind this picture.  You cannot have two people leading - then there is no leader - there is only conflict.  It's a beautiful circle: the man loves and serves the wife, the wife respects and follows the man - and both are sexually satisfied.

Even when everyone is well in a household, there are still tremendous pressures on you and your wife.  From the time I get home to the time I go to bed, it seems to be non-stop.  My son is constantly saying: "Daddy look!" and "Do you want to play with me", my wife needs help with the baby and dinner, we set the table, eat, clean up, have some dessert, play with the kids, give them their baths, get them ready for bed, put them in bed, deal with one thousand reasons why they wake up / get out of bed, clean more, work on business projects, etc.  Before we both realize it, it is 11:30 and we are exhausted.

We just go, go, go from the time we wake to the time we go to bed.  It is a vicious circle and it seems to be taking over our lives!!  So where is the time for romance??  When can WE connect?  ARRGH!  You can imagine what all this does to a woman's libido - it kills her libido! 

So, I have made it my job to find time - to make time - to give her an escape - or at least many mini-escapes.  And that is what I will be working on this weekend and next week: creating an oasis in a hectic life where she can reconnect with herself - and then we can connect with each other.  Now that I am getting over this illness and no one is sick in my house, I can carve out some time to focus on creating pockets of time to get us out of the vicious circle or the crazy routine.

Well, it's been weeks since I have been able to post here and I feel pretty bad about it.  Life can run you over if you're not careful.  If you have children, you know that they can make life really, really busy.  We love our children so much and we love to have them around, but the fact is that children can get in the way of romance in a big way.  Although you can have a romantic marriage and have children, there are times when you get overwhelmed.

Being married with a child can be challenging.  Have two, and it gets 4 times as challenging.  Can it ever!  And romance suffers.  It's wonderful to be a parent, but being the center of two little people's world and being pulled in too many directions can really stress and wear you out; especially when one gets sick and shares his illness with everyone in the house.  We have just gotten over 5 weeks of illness in our house (yes: again).  At least one person has been ill at any given time.  I am just getting over Bronchitis - I was the last to succumb. Talk about a damper in your romantic life!  (It also puts a damper in posting to your blog.)

So what can you do about it?  Well, sadly, sometimes not much.  When I find myself in these situations I just realize that you cannot enjoy the sun fully unless it rains from time to time.  I trust that God will use the time apart to make me fully appreciate when times are good.  After I am well, when I kiss my wife, it will be much sweeter than before.  So in the past five weeks, I have not put any pressure on her.

Guess what happened?  Although I assumed we would go without sex, we didn't go without.  We took some brief moments to have that connection even though we were tired and stressed.  And I thank my wife for that because she could have understandably shut down.  I believe that my always loving, serving, helping and supporting her has opened the doorway in her heart to want to connect with me - even though the romance was not there for lack of energy.

Again - do not expect sex.  Be ready to go without - and be ok with that.  Understand, love and serve your wife.  You will find that she will go out of her way to meet your needs because you are meeting her needs.  It is a wonderful circle.