I have heard it all: from "I have a headache" to "I'm really tired" to just plain old "I'm not in the mood". And each time it felt like rejection. I used to think: "I am such a looser – I even get rejected by my wife!" It was not a good feeling.
So I'd try pouring on the romance and expect her to throw me in bed. Did she? No. That made it even worse! It felt like the ultimate rejection! Here I was doing all this "stuff" and … nothing, nada, zip. I had a lot of resentment and she did, too. We couldn't understand each other. She thought I only wanted her for sex and I thought she didn't care about me.
That was three years ago. But now everything is different. So – how did we get out of it? How did we turn it around? The truth is stranger than you think. The truth is the opposite of what you'd expect.
But first, let's look at why she was "rejecting" me:
- She felt an "obligation" to have sex
- She felt pressured
- She thought that I only wanted sex – and it didn't matter if it was her or someone else
- She felt like an object
- She felt unloved
But why did she feel this way? Because of what I was doing:
- I was putting a lot of pressure on her all the time
- After each rejection, I would redouble my efforts – which put even more pressure on her
- I was asking for it constantly
- I would almost beg for it
- I'd reason with her: "you're my wife – husbands and wives are supposed to have sex."
- I used to guilt her: "It's been so long and I have to do ‘other things' and it sucks."
Of course, this wasn't working and we were having a lot of arguments about all kinds of stupid little things.
We went to counseling. We went to sex therapy. We went to Church. We bought books like 500 Lovemaking Tips and Secrets (which is really good, by the way). When did it really change? It changed with Church and with MY attitude. Yes – with my attitude.
The major turn came when I honestly stopped expecting anything. I figured out that my best [more] intentions were actually for ME – and not really for her. I was doing all this stuff for her – but it was really for me. And she could practically smell it was for me.
So what did I do?
- I began to live a more Biblical marriage
- I began to focus away from my needs and focus on her needs
- I started showing her real selfless love
- I began leading the household by example
- I started serving my wife like a husband is called to do
What did she do?
- She felt truly loved and accepted
That's all she did – but not really. As a result of her feeling loved without conditions, she was all over me. She began to take a serious interest in meeting my needs. She was free to be herself and to reflect the love I lavished upon her back onto me.
Notice: all I did was change myself. I could not and cannot change her. Only she can do that. I helped to create the environment and she was able to grow, change and flourish in that environment. And change she did – and we still both continue to change and grow closer. Things just keep getting better and better.
So that's the secret in a nutshell. This site is all about living this way. It has ideas and is from the heart. And I hope it can help make your marriage the way you want it to be.
On the guy’s end, improving her libido is largely based on “attitude + behavior”
* Not getting angry with her if she isn’t in the mood
* Being loving/appreciative (all of the things mentioned in this post)
* Being confident, fun to be around.
* Etc.
On the woman’s end, improving her libido is largely based on “perspective + health”
* Staying active
* Eating healthy
* Seeing the guy as being a loving partner
* Etc.
……just remember also, that quite a few christian wives will NEVER respond sexually unles the obligation (1 Cor 7) is made known. they will live happy as clams, pursued without expectation, desired without needing to respond, romanced till their warm fuzzies are bursting, and they will refuse their husbands non-pressured attempts for years on end. I’ve lived it. Eventually, you will need to push, because refusal is sin.
Its interesting that a wife can refuse a husband for years, yet still accuse him of only wanting sex. If he only wanted sex, he would have left years ago, because sex is exactly what he hasnt been getting. Must have been love after all.
I’m not advocating non romance. If you dont try to meet your wife’s needs emotionally, romantically etc, I believe you are in sin as well. But a wife IS obligated to have sex with her husband and he is likewise obligated to call her on her long term sin of refusal (Matthew 18. ) if that is the case in the marriage.
Its ok to let your wife know that you married for sex. That shouldn’t be the ONLY reason for marriage but it IS a legitimate MAJOR reason and shouldn’t be apologized for. I married so that I could have a lover and a friend. Without either one, then a major reason for marriage doesn’t exist. There is almost no woman who would blame a future husband from cancelling a wedding if he found out there was to be no sex in the marriage. Why then should they expect sex to be of LESS import AFTER the marriage? Sex is NOT the icing on the cake of a good marriage. It IS the marriage. Its the Meat (Or the Potatoes. ) Not both. Love, friendship, commitment are also part of the main course “the potatoes” as it were. Sex IS the point. Love IS the point. Commitment IS the point. None of them are some happy side consequence. They ARE the marriage.
I understand that often, for women to truly enjoy sex, they need to feel “connected” to their spouses. Friendship, love ,romance can help accomplish this and this of course is a worthy goal in and of itself sex or no sex. But so much is said to men about trying to meet these needs of their wives, while the opposite is almost never said. Women need to have sex with their husbands. This helps their husbands feel close to them and makes it easier for them to want to relate emotionally to their wives. A husband that has a passionate wife, yet does not attempt to meet her emotional needs, I believe is also in sin. he is not trying to love his wife and live with her in an understanding way.
Landschooner,
unfortunately I agree with many of the points you made and have lived in the place of considerable pain that can occur in a marriage with refusal.
Husbands are so often told to not express disappointment when sexual partnership in the marriage is regularly and repeatedly refused … and so often told that their hurt and disappointment is merely a sign of selfishness. Yet a marriage is entered into with the central agreement that the couple will, in the affirmative, walk through life in sexual partnership with one another.
It seems that so many women — after they have married — forget about the idea that walking together in sexual partnership was a meaningful promise in the agreement to marry. Women seem to compartmentalize and say that sex is “just physical,” yet some of the very same women will readily say that Everything Else in the marriage is all interconnected and part of the emotional and spiritual fabric of the marriage.
Some women seem to literally hate the suggestion being made to them that agreeing to live in sexual partnership was a dimension of the decision to marry. Through their words, deeds, behavior, many women deny that living honorably and faithfully in sexual partnership with a husband actually is a central and vitally important part of the emotional and spiritual fabric of the marriage.
I don’t fully understand this. Faithfulness in marriage, being a loving partner, keeping promises, having a very special and unique relationship with only one person on earth — one that God chose to use as the primary means for bringing about new human life!!! — should have all of the right ingredients for women to see sexual partnership as a very emotional, sentimental and spiritual part of life. Yet some women are unable or refuse to consider their own behavior as a significant part of the marriage. Sadly, I am talking about plenty of Christian women being included.
This is probably an area that many husbands are denigrated in and receive double-wounds: as a woman treats her partnership in this area as unimportant, and as she sins, the husband is not only hurt but is put down and insulted by all manner of Other People who label HIM as selfish even though she has been violating the marriage and wreaking havoc on the relationship.
For those who really want to continue believing that sex is totally unimportant physical compared with all that really important and valuable emotional and spiritual stuff, here are some things to consider: God expresses desire for children in marriage. (How is that supposed to happen?) Onan suffered severe consequences (death) arising from his refusal to sire children as he was supposed to do. The instructions in Corinthians don’t just give authority over the other-spouses’ body, it continues to express immediately thereafter that a couple should come together and should only abstain with mutual agreement to the abstaining. (The interpretation that one spouse has authority to cause the other to abstain thus creating a “stalemate” is, I think, a faulty one.) In many jurisdictions a marriage is not effective until the man and woman have engaged in sexual intercourse. Jacob was married by an act of sexual intercourse with someone he never exchanged marriage vows with.
I married a Christian woman who said she wanted a quiver full of children. Soon after marrying she began to reject sexuality completely, showing no affection or kindness, while requiring and expecting me to be “godly” and stay sexually faithful in the sexless marriage, and eventually told me of her “surprise” that I believed married intimacy was a promised part of the marriage. She denied me the ability to have children. This was the roughly same offense that Onan died for. We married in the 30′s and I begged her not to waste the time available for bearing children.
After years and years of this which brought me very close to divorce my spouses’ behavior finally changed to “tolerance”, but the ideas having to do with love and promises in the marriage have not been healed are just buried hatches. It is probably too late to have the quiver full of children that we agreed to before marrying, i.e. without an Abraham-type miracle of older-age conception. The emotional fabric in the marriage is still damaged. The sentimental, loving nature of “lovemaking” in the marriage is something I have lost almost all touch with —- it is covered over in too many layers of conflict and pain. My life hopes of giving rise to a that quiver-full of children have been virtually destroyed by the choice of marriage partner I made… and before the marriage she told me she wanted a family. It’s hard to describe how much this hurts.
So long.
LivingInPain
LivingInPain,
I am saddened to hear of your plight. God bless you for sticking it out and staying faithful. I have a feeling that your wife may be masking something that has hurt her in the past and thus the refusal of intimacy. Your reference to Corinthians is spot on… It looks pretty specific IMO – Here it is from the NIV – emphasis added by me:
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again,so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
~ 1 Corinthians 7:1-5
“Marital duty” does not refer to doing the dishes or putting food on the table, if you know what I mean. And without intimacy and satisfaction – if you long for that closeness and are not getting it at home – Satan is right there with all kinds of temptation. You are strong, my friend. I cannot say that I would have lasted in that situation. My heart and prayers go out to you. Perhaps you could find a good Christian counselor to help your marriage – to help her uncover whatever might be lurking in the back of her mind.
Living in Pain,
I definitely DO feel your pain. I’ve been married 21 years. In that time, I’ve heard the words, “duty” and “pressure” so many times that they literally closed my heart off to my wife. When a woman tells her husband, “Fine, I’ll do it, but it’s just a duty!”, especially after he has sought her out for quality time, spoiled her with gifts, told her how beautiful she is, and actively done those things that a “good” husband should do, you might as well take a knife and plunge it into my heart. A duty? Seriously? Women, you married a sexual man, and to tell him that the most beautiful physical act you can perform, just because he might want to make love every 3-4 days, is a “duty” then DO NOT be surprised if you man cheats on you. There are plenty of “other women” who will fall in love with your man for whom sex is NOT a duty. I don’t know how many 40-something single women I’ve talked with who tell me “all the good ones are gone” and then they look at me and how I work hard to support my family, and (still) spoil my family with gifts, and tell me wife she’s beautiful, and who I seek to spend quality time with, and who I still laugh with, and every one of them say “What the $*$#* is wrong with your wife!?” Believe me, I don’t know. She’s told me she doesn’t like to be “pressured” so I back off, and then she says, “Why are you laying there like a bump on a log…it’s no fun to pursure a bump on a log” so I pursue, and then she says she “doesn’t like pressure”. Women, if you do this to your husband, you can rest assured that most of them will probably cheat on you, because although it has guilt feelings, at least they won’t be having “duty sex”. Sorry if I’m a bit caustic. I’ve been there, done that. The church has done a great disservice to all of us by not telling women they have a OBLIGATION to have sex with their husbands, ESPECIALLY if he’s a good man like most of us.
Not having sex is not a sin. My husband and I have three children. We both work long hours, he in the military and I as a photographer. Honestly, after so many years of marriage, sex can become mere repetition with no emotion connected, it’s sometimes on both sides of the marriage can feel like just an act so that he can feel good and honestly, it feels degrading for a wife sometimes. Sex is not THE marriage, after all, sex in a marriage doesn’t last forever… it natuarally pretty much goes away after mid 50′s…then what do you have? Marriage had darn well better be based off a whole lot more than sex -guaranteed that if that’s all marriage is about, then it’s bound to fail. Marriage needs trust, love, friendship, and companionship. If a woman feels like merely an object for her husband to play with, just a tool to be used to pleasure himself, that’s effed up people. That’s wrong. The Bible says that husbands are to treat and love their wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. How can a husband expect sex if he isn’t willing to do things for his wife to engage her love, her heart and her passion? Some of you guys on here are talking like complete and total pigs and you have a really sick idea of what marriage should be, and frankly, it makes me shudder and fear for your wives! I agree with the original post to which all of these comments are a response to, sex is the icing on the cake of marriage, it’s a bennefit of marriage, but not everything in it.
I am not really too sure where to start with this. My wife and I have been together for 20+ years. I’m 59 and she is 47.
In our early years together sex was almost a daily occurance. Now it is more like a yearly duty, atleast for her. This has left me feeling alone, rejected and admittedly angry.
I realize part of it has to mdo with her, aqnd I, taking care of her mother for the last two years, In fact the last year of her mother’s life was spent living with us. I know she was tired, stressed out and overwhelmed alot of the time, I understood that and tried not to let my desire for sex to be an additional burden on her. Instead I would let her go out with her friends on Saturday night so she could relax a little. Of course I was hoping that she would be willing to engage in intercourse after she returned home. My hope did not turn into reality.
Many a night after she got into bed I would be pushed away or otherwise requested to “leave her alone so she could sleep”. I’ve spent more than one night wake almost all night not being able to sleep due to the desire for sex. Of couse I’ve taken care of things myself, but that is not really what I wanted. I have also maeuvered her into a position where I could introduce my member into her and climax while she was asleep. But after those few times I felt dirty and unsatisfied. i always believed that sex betweena amarried couple should be mutually fulfilling. Not a one sided affair.
We’ve talked about our sexual separation on numerous occasions. Her usual responses are: if I was thinner I feel more sexual, I’m just too tired, it takes me too long to orgasm, I don’t get as wet as I used to and the list goes on. I have suggested ways and ideas and as of yet not had any success.
Honestly – her list of “reasons” sounds like a cover-up for what’s really going on. In my marriage, things started off great (she was pretty wild – in a good way for a married couple) and then after a couple of years I my wife was starting to cover up and claim she didn’t like (or never liked) some of the things we used to do…
It turns out that there was some issues from the past that crept in. So I began doing the things I have posted here on this site – and I changed my paradigm. At the same time, we went to a sex therapist. Yes: I said it – and we did. It was a huge help! It was just a safe place to talk to someone who could shed some light in a safe way – and that we could talk to openly. There is no shame in getting help, my friend. That’s why God surrounds us with other people – so we don’t have to be alone. Of course, faith and prayer helped a great deal, too.
Regarding your wife’s “reasons” – find something you can do to be more active and try to make healthy and delicious meal choices – make her dinners, if you like (with no obligation). Use KY jelly – it makes it much better for her – especially if she is kinda dry. Create an atmosphere of love (not sex). And get some help in the form of a counselor or sex therapist (I suggest the latter for your situation).
Good luck and God Bless.
She needs to be cherished! Stop everything and focus on her. Look her in the eyes, tell her she’s beautiful, tell her why you love her, carress her, and look her in the eyes some more. Do not let this lead to sex. Touch her through out the day, when you walk by (rub her shoulder, kiss her forehead, hug her) this shows you love her! Read the 5 love languages. You can be a wonderful husband who says “I love you”, who does the dishes, buys her gif.ts, etc. But if her love language is “Touch” she may still not feel that you are truely in love with her.
~I hope this helps
Thanks Amy,
Definitely written by a female and helps illustrate the problem. I have done way too much reading, discussing, and study on this subject. The Five Love Languages is great, but works for a warm fuzzy relationship, not necessarily a sexual one.
You, Amy, should read The Female Brain by Dr. Luanne Brizendine (Psychiatrist with lots of experience). In fact I have recommended it to dozens of men. My simple paraphrase is this: sex is used to entice the male to produce children; then it’s used just enough to keep the male around to support the children; after the children are gone and she hits menopause, she has no reason for sex; at that point the divorce rate filed by the woman increases.
I write this as a man in his late 50s in a second marriage and having gone through my wife’s menopause both times. Add to that many men with whom I have discussed this problem.
A man can take all the steps that any marriage expert suggests and still have a wife that remains an iceberg.
Yes, we need to try to do things that might please her. However we are responsible for our own happiness. We cannot make her happy. Happiness is her choice.
So, if she chooses to be unhappy, or if she is happy without sex, there is likely to be little sex.
She may say she cares about her husband’s needs and at the same time deny him what will greatly please him and make him more loving toward her.
The control is totally under the female.
Men, we’re screwed.
I’m having some difficulty in this area. While I know that I have to continue working on myself, and my reactions to being rejected, I’m confused by my wife’s behavior most of the time. She is a VERY sexual woman and the first year of our marriage was filled with wonderful love making. Now that she’s working more I’m getting rejected more often. I understand that she’s tired when she gets home but this rejection will carry itself through the weekends. There are times when I’m rejected but she’ll take care of herself after I leave for work…which makes me feel even worse (we’re very open with this area at least and do tell each other about it).
Bottom line is that I believe we need more communication within our marriage. If I have a problem with something, anything, that she does and I attempt to discuss it with her she gets defensive and typically shuts down or ignores the issue (including these sexual issues). She’s even said that I’m just “overly sensitive”. I’m not sure how to “prove” to her that these are legitimate feelings and that I’m not just overly sensitive. When she says these things it hurts even worse and makes me want to pull away. I’ve found myself just waiting on her and then when she does want to make love I feel used or I question what has turned her on other than me.
What if I give and show her selfless love but she continues to be the independent woman that she is and doesn’t respond or give back?
It seems that some of you men have married depressed women who hide their depression. This can be a very frustrating and dangerous thing for you and your family (kids).
You may say to yourself, no not my wife she is so active and used to tell me her dreams etc, but depression is a dark mask that a woman can hold closer to her face than you will ever be. It is a mask that must be removed, but I would caution you to not be the one to remove it. It is her job to remove it, her chance to look to God and get her perceptions in life to be true. If your wife is depressed and she is refusing you sex then it is a good thing.
She will respect you more and sex you more (the correct way) when she comes out of the depression. Continually pray for her and rebuke the spirit of depression.
Also, do not lean on the words that a depressed woman may say. You have to understand that a depressed person really is exhausted, hurting, and a bit confused. Some guys try to be heroes by believing depression is just sadness and therefore can be soothed away. Wrong!
Depression is anger, resentment, bitterness, turned inward and the supposed sadness comes as a Result of the frustration, fatigue, and hopelessness/despair.
Make the decision to Not accept the sex from a depressed woman because the quality of it is not worth your time. She may begin your sex life being hot and exciting ( which many depressed women are) but depressed persons will cool down or shut down to reserve their last bits of fleeting energy.
So in conclusion, when you ask or accept the sex of a depressed woman it is in her eyes that you’re trying to enjoy her “last bits” of fleeting energy.
Please note that with depression you can smile, go to work, feed the kids, put on a show, fool people but know that a healthy woman is always open for love.
Is your woman healthy?
To know more, plz email me.
Thanks,
-Garrett
@garrett,
Thank you and bless you so much for your post. I am married to a woman who struggles with depression (and takes a few medications to help) and I really struggle feeling accepted and wanted. There are so many issues attached to it as well, but outside of prayer and living for the few “good times”, I don’t know how else to hang on. You were spot on that “I” cant fix it or try to, that approach has been tried repeatedly and never with good results. Sometimes I’m hurting so much inside for love, affection, and sex, that when I do ask and she obliges out of sympathy or obligation, I feel even worse about it than I did before. I’ve struggled with pornography in the past, and I feel that pull all too much when the times are really tough. Thanks for listening, its hard to have a frank discussion with those who know me as I dont want them to judge my wife negatively, or me for that matter that I’m not “strong enough” to handle things on my own.
Garrett,
I agree with you about depression as a possible issue behind the issue of a woman’s lack of desire for her husband. You seem to believe it is a spiritual issue that can be healed through prayer and gaining a right perspective on life that comes from God, rather than some uncurable mystery disease. My marriage is reasonably healthy, but my wife is exhausted a lot and expresses all of the symptoms you listed. We have agreed that it is best for us to abstain until she is in a healthy place, and she goes back and forth from day to day or week to week. I agree with Nick’s posts about the issue of igniting your wife’s libido by loving her well, and have seen his conclusions to be true in my marriage, but it is obvious to myself and my wife that she has some deeper issues that neither of us can pinpoint exactly. In your opinion, how can I lead her to Jesus for healing and carefully help her come to grips with what seems to be depression. If you tell me to get her a life-long prescription for antidepressants and wait for it to get better, I will be very disappointed. I would love to hear Nick’s response to this as well.
Thanks,
Sean
Regarding depression – if she has clinical depression, that is a mental illness; a chemical imbalance. I believe god gifted some people with the intelligence to become doctors for a reason. They are there to help. I suggest you find a Christian counselor and a Christian psychologist to diagnose your wife in the event she has something that cannot be controlled through diet and exercise, etc.
Honestly, she may need medication – which I am normally against – until my wife found the right doctor who listened closely and understood what she needed. Since she’s been on this med, she’s been a LOT happier!
Sometimes we need some help – the Lord put people in our path for a reason. Sorry for the delay and responding to this post, I have been working 17 hour days for a few months now….
PS… I agree with the admin on here about the depression issue. If a woman doesn’t feel good about her marriage, herself and life in general, she’s not going to want to be intimate with her husband because she can’t be. I’m a Christian. I agree with the admin here on this subject. God allows advancement in medicine to help heal. Depression can ruin a person. It’s an actual illness, not just a sadness or a funk or a rut that someone can jump out of at will or if they “really try”, it’s not something that they cause, it just happens, like any illness. These women are hurting, seriously, bleedingly hurting so much that they hate themselves and they hate every minute of every day and they are being tortured inwardly. Think about it guys – being tortured inwardly, feeling completely, totally without hope, desire anything. Scary isn’t it? Support her, love her, help her find a Christian physician who can listen to her and help her through this, God does put people in our paths. I’ve been there, I wanted to die, I spent hours a day collapsed on the floor in horrible pain crying out to God to please make it better. Thankfully, my husband listened, stood by me too and a friend and mentor was put in our path who directed us to a mutual friend who was a physician, and that’s where I found help, just talking to soemone about it and getting the needed medication. I took the depression medications fo ra year and it helped immensly. They teach the brain how to communicate again, so to speak. Anyways, that’s my 10 cents.