When dealing with the female libido, we men have a hard time thinking outside of our paradigm. If you start touching your wife, you think she should respond the way you would if she touches you. But the female libido does not work this way.
If you're sitting on the couch and your wife suddenly slides her hand to your inner thigh and onward, you're probably going to be ready to drop everything, take her to the bedroom (or just start wherever you are) and make love with her. That's sums it up for many men. Men have about two buttons. Women have many more.
However, if you're watching a movie and out of the blue, YOU slide your hand up her thigh, you can bet she will be less than ready to go. It is obviously much more complex for a woman to get turned on [more] for making love. You need to fill her needs.
The top four female libido enhancers are:
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Feeling loved
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Feeling wanted
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Feeling safe and secure
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Romantic anticipation and excitement
If you want her libido to be at a high point tonight, take care of all the above… here's what I suggest…
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Let her know in advance. Be playful about it. And exercise tact. Start in the morning by giving her a really tender and passionate kiss good bye (not deep, just passionate). Tell her you wish you had time to kiss her more, but you have to go – let her know that you will be thinking about her all day long.
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Send her a message via e-mail, cell text or IM chat. Tell her you keep thinking about that kiss and how you look forward to seeing her tonight. Tell her you cannot wait for the kids to go to bed.
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When you get home, give her another passionate kiss hello. Try to remove as much stress factors as you can. Remember that stress drives the female libido into the dirt. Clean up a little – do some dishes – and make sure she sees you doing it. But don't say a word unless she asks – then tell her you just want to make her evening a little more relaxed.
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Spend some time outside just talking with her. Try not to get on work subjects or home project subjects. Sit close to her and hold her hand. Listen to everything she has to say.
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If you have kids, after they go to bed, keep the TV off – tell her you want to spend some time with her. If she drinks wine, get a glass and invite her into the bedroom. Chat, kiss, etc. Don't be pushy, take time and get her really warmed up. After a bit, she'll be taking you for a ride.
Note: remember – never have "expectations" – nothing is a sure bet. She may have something else stressful going on in her head. However, doing these things will bring her around eventually. When you show disappointment, all the effort will be for nothing – she will feel like you "only did it for sex." Do it out of love for your wife. The sex is the icing on the cake. Your goal is to foster the top four things her libido thrives on over the long haul: feeling loved, feeling wanted, feeling safe and secure, and romantic anticipation and excitement. You should also feed her emotional libido to further get her libido on the rise.
Try it. Your wife will appreciate the day long romance – and you will appreciate the spike in her libido.
Yeah, my wife’s sex drive is the 1st thing to go, last thing to come back,,
Where are all the articles that tell women that it’s not 100% a man’s job to get them turned on or do things right? Where are the articles saying, “Women…stop finding every reason under the sun to not have sex with your husband…or he’ll find another woman who will be glad to!” It is NOT a man’s job to always do things right to get her in the mood. It is just as much the woman’s job to NOT make housework, facebook, kids, cleaning, etc, more important that her husband. There are a LOT of good married guys who are doing things in more than an adequate manner, but every book out there talks about how we need to “set the stage” for her libido. How about women understanding OUR libido? Seems to me that Christian marriage books do nothing but support this idea that guys need to always “set the mood”. Oh well…
My husband emailed me this blog. This is completely correct! You hit the nail on the head.
Thanks!
(at least I hope so – hahaha)
I do most of this stuff already… I try to be romantic, kiss her passionately, tell her how hot/beautiful/sexy she is or how good an outfit looks on her or what I love about her eyes, breasts, butt, etc…. Nothing.
I totally agree with David above, there needs to be an article that goes over why women find every reason under the sun to get out of having a very pleasurable experience with their husbands. My wife actually told me once that I “had her permission” to jerk off… like I need that, right? I didn’t get involved in past relationships and in marriage with her to jerk off for the rest of my life.
I feel like I have to beg, borrow, and steal to get my wife to even let me touch her sometimes, let alone make a move on her. I just don’t know anymore…….
I have been where you are at, my friend. My ex used to say she hated that I was so “needy” – because I adored her and was romantic, etc. — much like what you describe – getting her in the mood for sex was a chore. BUT – in all honesty: I WAS too needy – I now know that I don’t “need” my current wife. I WANT her. I CHOOSE to be with her because I LOVE her. There is a big difference. It also turns out that, my ex was just DEEPLY afraid of truly being close in an intimate relationship – the closer I tried to get, the more she pushed away.
Your wife’s behavior is not acceptable, but it is not the problem. The behavior is a symptom. Something is up under the hood. You two need help from an objective professional. You need to get to the bottom of the root problem.
And – keep in mind it IS A TWO WAY street. In hindsight I can see all the things I did in my previous marriage that didn’t help and sometimes hurt the relationship. So keep that in mind – in order for her to take responsibility for her behavior, you need to take responsibility for your part. That is part of leading and being a man (something I learned the second time around – and its working).
Please help. I am over 50, have been married to a really great man for over three years. However, he is controlling both in the bedroom and out of it, and our intimacy is primarily directed by him. He likes to make love daily, but sometimes I am unable to keep feeling the “desire”. He likes to do things to me that I do not always approve of. I tell him no, but he continues to do it anyway. I have become very passive and just lay there – I used to really get involved and be part of the lovemaking. At times I will suggest we make love the way I like to, but during that time he verbalizes to me other things he’d rather be doing. I do not like making love when I do not feel the desire. I WANT to participate more, but I feel controlled and lack confidence tremendously. He doesn’t seem to mind that I am not involved, but I do. Afterward, he feels badly because he knows that I was unhappy throughout it. I do not want to feel used, or treated like a “toy.” I have gone as far as having my testosterone level tested ( it is very low) and have received topical testosterone cream. This has not made a difference. How do I increase my own libido and desire? I want to please him always, but I am not a pretender either.
You two need some help. I am NOT a professional, but it seems like he might have a sex addiction – if he has sex and then frequently feels bad about it, then that’s not a good thing. It also looks like a cycle of abuse – he does something against your will, it happens and then he feels bad. Then it happens again…
Something’s gotta give. You obviously love him and want to please him, but he is acting very selfish and not considering your feelings. Get in to see a counselor asap. Even if he does not go – you can go and maybe learn some ways to start talking with him — the end goal is to get BOTH of you in counseling.
There is no shame is seeking help. Lack of help / willingness of my ex wife to get help contributed greatly to the demise of my first marriage. On the flip side – getting a good Christian counselor has saved my current marriage – its been 3 years since then and things are getting better and better each day! (We’ve been married 9 years) You can do it – but you have to start with the first step! Get yourself help!