Bear with me here… When I tell people on forums and in my coaching that I have modeled my marriage after the Biblical picture of marriage, they usually roll their eyes. I can imagine their picture of Biblical marriage: wife at home slaving over the stove with two babies at her feet. When her husband comes home, she rushes to greet him and gets him the paper, sits him in an easy chair and gets dinner on the table. After dinner he sits down to watch TV while she cleans, gets him a beer and takes care of the kids. Wow. Not exactly the best way to get your wife in the mood.
The reality is that the biblical picture of marriage is a perfect circle. One where the husband leads, loves and serves his wife; where everything the husband does is for the benefit of his wife and the marriage. And the wife respects and follows the husband's lead. Where she provides for his needs and he provides for hers. Biblical marriage is one where both the husband and wife treat each other as they would treat themselves. (Ephesians 5: 22-33) And here's the interesting part – Biblical marriage provides for both husband and wife to be satisfied sexually. (1 Corinthians 7:1-5)
Since my wife and I became Christian and learned these things from Church and organizations like Family Life, things have gotten exponentially better. I have made a huge change in my attitude: I no longer think of myself (at least I try not to) – I try to think of my wife; I do things for her just because I love her. And she has done the same.
We also no longer have as many conflicts due to role confusion – where we are both trying to be the head chef, so to speak. Is my very intelligent independent self sufficient wife ok with this? Yes. Because she can see how the roles are equally important – they are just different.
In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker [physically] than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered. – 1 Peter 3:7 (NLT)
She knows I will be doing everything in my power to love, serve, honor, protect and provide for her.
If you are not Christian, I hope you can see the logic behind this picture. You cannot have two people leading – then there is no leader – there is only conflict. It's a beautiful circle: the man loves and serves the wife, the wife respects and follows the man – and both are sexually satisfied.
I really like the way you think.
My Wife and I have not had sex in 15 years, but I still love her and I have not been unfaithful to her though I have been tempted. With God’s Help I have been able to resist temptation. (Our marriage is going on 31 years). She says sex hurts her and will not discuss it with me because she feels so guilty about it. I am 66 and she is almost 65, but I still have a need for sex though it does not have to be penetration. Our Sex used to be good and then it went away. She got so frustrated with me the other day and told me go to another woman if I needed that. I cannot do that because I believe firmly in my marriage vows. My wife has chronic kidney failure though we are not yet at the transplant stage yet. I know this can damage her libido. But is there any possibililty that her desire might return once she is feeling better again. Or will it be gone for good.
Help me to hold her on and do the right thing for her and in the eyes of God.
You’re doing the right thing, brother. Hold on. Over the past year, my wife also started saying sex is too painful, which made her dread it. During this time, she was very reluctant and felt like a failure for not being able to satisfy her husband with “real” sex, and she was sensitive about it and not willing to discuss it or try new things. I finally got her to agree to rubbing our bodies together with her on top using a side-to-side rocking motion (as if we were having sex, but without penetration) and thankfully this usually leads to orgasm for both of us. Maybe you can suggest this–that you love her and just want sexual intimacy with her without causing any pain or hurt to her and you want to satify her also. Also, I would suggest you get her a book to read to better understand your need & desire for sex: “7 Things He’ll Never Tell You {But You Need to Know}” by Kevin Leman. This book may be the catalyst you need to for her to be willing to be more open to discuss this.
Good luck and God bless.