I mentioned in my last post that you must serve your wife as a loving husband. Does this mean you will wait on her? No. Does it mean she will lead you around like a puppy? No. It means you will give her attention and do nice things for her out of love for her. You will show your love for her in your temperament, and actions. Want to be the man of the house? Want to lead your household? Well, how can you be a man and the household leader if you are busy serving your wife?
Simple – it is a circle. The wife respects and submits to (meaning follows) the husband – he leads. But the husband loves and cares for the wife as he loves and cares for himself. He should give himself to his wife and serve her – thus the circle:
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She respects and follows her husband and he loves and serves his wife.
Both are equal, but both serve different rolls. They do not conflict, and are equally important. Together the two pieces make a complete puzzle. I did not come up with this. It is simply my way of explaining the following text:
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
~ Ephesians 5: 22-33
So – in this case, you are giving your self to your wife as Christ gave himself to the Church – yet as you are the leader to your wife, so was Christ the leader of the Church.
Trust me on this – it works! It works really well. This is the mindset you need. It will alleviate many of the causes of strife in your relationship – namely, the power struggles. Of course, it comes with responsibility and you need to honor it and not abuse it.
And the reality is that there are shady areas – for example, my wife does not like to cook – I do much of the cooking since I actually do like it. And I hate paperwork, so she has set up all the bills on auto bill pay and handles the filing. But over all, I lead and I serve – she respects and she follows. And we are happy. And we are passionate!
Share this with your wife. Help her understand the equality and the differences in the rolls. Give it a try. Work on it.
There’s an oft-quoted bit of conventional wisdom that goes something like this: “Any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least.”
Where did I see that first? Ann Landers? Dear Abby? Dr. Laura? Take your pick. I check Google, and the miraculous engine shows me that psychiatrist Gordon Livingston has a lot to say about it in his book, Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart, and that the phrase shows up in the lyrics of at least one country-western song.
By whomever codified, the little truism certainly resonates, doesn’t it? Because too many of us have been there and done that, or been done that. A romantic relationship can be a very bumpy ride indeed for the person who cares the most.
So if you’re in that position, especially where there’s a large imbalance of power, take your foot off the gas and reach for the brake pedal instead! At least that’s what many relationship psychologists advise, if you want to avoid an emotionally devastating smashup.
However…
In Female Led Relationships, 50-50 is out the window and everything is topsy-turvy. Here, where the imbalance of power could hardly be more extreme, with the wife often in control of every aspect of the relationship, you find results (based on overwhelming anecdotal evidence) that are rewarding and positive for both.
The greater the imbalance of power, when you’re talking female-led, the greater the romantic and erotic potential… and the fewer arguments or domestic disputes. Where the wife rules, and the husband follows, as one such wife put it, “things go well and love is in the air.”
This is why, on the issue of power imbalance in a relationship, the leading lights of the FLR movement all dispense advice that is totally contrary to that of most psychologists. Wives and husbands alike are urged to take their feet off the brake pedal and go full speed ahead.
For instance, Fumika Misato (quoted in Chapter 6 of my book) counsels a new-to-the-lifestyle husband to “Consider a true and honest confession of your feelings to your wife. Express yourself without reservation. Don’t be afraid to let your wife know how powerful she is.”
Or take Au876, also offering advice to a wife-worship newbie: “It sounds like your wife is on the road to taking charge. I hope you will not resist her or try to hold any power for yourself that she wants. Serve her with a smile!”
FLR couples counselor Paige Harrison explains: “My concept is to help the submissive male understand his role to worship, adore and obey his dominant wife or female partner. Learn how to lower yourself to your knees and worship her.”
For those of a certain age, this may recall the Surrendered Wife concept of Laura Doyle or the Total Woman of Marabel Morgan, both of whom held that the secret to a blissful marriage is for wives to cater to their husbands in the bedroom and out. With the proviso, of course, that FLRs turn that traditional advice upside-down.
“What better life [for a man] is there than to serve a superior lady?” Elise Sutton asks rhetorically. “A man’s masculinity is complimented when he humbles himself to serve a woman.”
And she proceeds to lecture another husband, who has voiced misgivings about certain aspects of the lifestyle, “Your life should be a life dedicated to serving your beautiful Mistress. After all, she deserves your love, devotion and complete obedience… [It is clear in your letter that] you revel in your wife’s power over you.”
And the formidable Ms. Sutton positively unloads on another husband with last-minute misgivings about relinquishing marital control: “What is your problem? You know you love submitting to your wife so just relax and get with the program… Why do you have to retain some control? Your wife has it right. Men should submit to women and the husband should submit to his wife… you should count your blessings. Forget your male pride and humble yourself before your wife. Tell her that you are eager to serve her as often as she desires. Cherish your wife and serve her like the Queen that she is.”
The Addisons, Emily and Ken, of Around Her Finger fame, jointly propose that, during an initial trial phase, wives make a formal declaration to their husbands of the power imbalance that is to be a cornerstone of their wife-led relationship:
“As you approach the last night of the trial period, have him write you another letter telling you his thoughts and feelings over the last two weeks. On the last night, have him kneel naked in front of you and read the letter to you.
“At this point you will make a decision regarding whether or not you want to continue with a wife-led relationship. I suspect that you will both have enjoyed it tremendously and that neither of you could imagine abandoning it. Importantly, if you decide to continue, make it very clear to him that you expect your authority to be respected, and that you expect his continued obedience.”
Might that naked, kneeling husband be having some chills along with his erotic thrills? Could be. It’s risky, handing over that much power to your wife, deliberately placing yourself in a classic posture of physical and emotional vulnerability. But aren’t risk and vulnerability part of the thrill of original courtship?
A husband comments on this delicious predicament: “Relinquishing total control to a loving trusted spouse provides a base thrill. Not the thrill of taking your hands off of the steering wheel while going 75 mph, but knowing that your life will be controlled by another, to such detail as decided upon by the dominant partner.”
As I wrote in my book (Chapter 6, “Daring to Be Known by Her”): “The goal here, of course, is not to hide one’s worshipful feelings from one’s beloved, but to reveal them. Don’t try to be the ‘strong, silent type’ when it comes to your adoration and devotion.”
I yield the last word to a professional domina, Dianna Vesta: “There is no greater sight nor braver man than one who melts to his knees, relinquishing control to the one he adores, doing anything that will please her.”
I feel obliged to say very clearly that this lenghty comment by “This is the way to do it.” is very unconvincingly arguing a distorted view on relationships that is in no way compatible with the biblical understanding communicated by the original blog post.
Because: This FLR-philosophy seems only to be putting the woman in the place of God. That’s no place for a woman, and no place for a man either! Be warned of the consequences this will have on your relationship, your life and eternity. Yes, that may have sounded gloomy, but trust me; breaking the first commandment is a most serious matter, whether you believe in God or not.
What Nick is pointing out in his post – on the other hand – is that God never created man and woman to compete for power. Neither did he intend for the one to worship the other. Only God himself is worthy of being truly worshipped. I love my wife. I respect her. I think she’s absolutely wonderful, and I adore her. But God help me if I ever put her in Gods place!
Nick is pointing at the mystery and beauty of how God made husband and wife: To mutually love and respect each other, but to do so in different ways that makes them beautifully interdependent, and that unleashes the true joys of a faithful marriage.
If you stumbled upon this blog as a non-christian, I trust your ability to recognize truth and good sense.
Thanks to Nick for an interesting blog.
Thanks alot for the article.
I’m a single young man looking forward to marrying a wonderful woman and i’m glad to learn how to treat her.
God bless.