Ignite Her Passion

This blog is about keeping the passion alive in marriage and re-igniting the passion when it is dwindling.  The best thing you can do as a husband to spark romance and, subsequently, more healthy hot sex in your marriage is to get emotionally close and connected to your wife.  Your wife needs to feel close and needs a connection – then she feels safe and secure – and she will be emotionally free to be herself, feel more sexy, want sex more and rock your world.

How do you build a close connection with your wife?  They say communication is key.  I don’t know who “they” are, but they’re right.  How you communicate is really important.  If you want to grow closer, then you need to be on the same page as your wife – or at least be able to communicate with her such that she understands where you’re coming from.

What does this have to do with admitting you’re wrong? Understanding, willingness to change and building trust.  There’s a short story behind this:

Yesterday Dawn and I almost got into a huge fight.  Why? Mis-communication.  She was asking me for help and was taking a long time to explaining all the steps she took to get to the point where she needed help.  I was busy and felt interrupted.  I also knew the solution to her problem right away.  So I’m sitting there kinda cutting her off – “uh hu.  I know.  I get it.  I know.  ok.”  You know the drill.  In my MIND I had thought “ok, hunny – you don’t need to go into all of this and I’m in the middle of something – can you stop for a moment so I can give you the help you want?”  Of course all I said was “uh hu — ok — I know.”  One of my male friends would have picked up on the queues – because men think alike.  But my wife is not a man – clearly.    Women use these things called “words.”  LOL

Yet, I kept going on in my head wishing she would stop.  Expecting her to be like one of my my friends and pick up on the queues – which wasn’t going to happen because women are simply wired differently.  Then it turned into “Oh my God, please stop so I can help you and get back to work!”  All in my MIND without saying a word to her.  So when I got frustrated with her and did say something abruptly, she naturally got defensive. Then I got defensive in return.  Etc., etc.

It was getting ready to spiral into a fight about “you always do this” and “oh yeah, well you always do that and I didn’t do anything wrong” and then then door slams, etc.  But I’ve been working on MYSELF.  So in the midst of being pretty frustrated (you know – the hot flash and the hair on your neck standing up) – I listened to the quiet voice inside.  “Calm down and see what’s really happening.”

After I explained to her what I was feeling, she helped me realize that I had only “thought” about what needed to be done and “thought” about the fact that she didn’t need to go into a long story… guess what?  It was time for me to say “I was wrong – I admit it.  I didn’t explain to you what I was thinking.  I can understand why you got defensive.  I’m sorry.”  Now, that wasn’t so bad.  The build up to a big argument and a crappy day was diffused and we had a pretty good day.

I agreed to take time to express the thoughts in my head – and in return I asked her to agree that in the future, if I let her know I am busy and she doesn’t need to tell the whole story, that she would try not to get offended.  She agreed.

What did we do?  We built on our communication skills.  We built trust.  We grew a little closer.  So: if you’re not communicating in a way your wife understands, admit it and change your approach.  You will be glad you did and your marriage will get a lot better – and, over time, a lot hotter, if you know what I mean. 

When you have two people living together and sharing everything, you are going to have conflict.  It is unavoidable.  However, conflict degenerating into a knock down drag out fight is completely avoidable.  It is all in how you react.  Not how she reacts – only you.  You cannot control her – you can only control yourself.

The last time I had a fight with Dawn was when I was mad about her not doing something she always asks me to do.  And when I brought it up, she got defensive and irritated about it.  My “fairness meter” was buzzing like crazy – it’s a trigger point with me.

So there I was – mad about an apparent injustice and she was there being mad at ME.  Ugh!  So I’m thinking about tearing into her, yelling, stomping off, etc. etc. [more] And that calm still voice inside said “calm down, there is something else at work here.”  God was telling me to chill out and listen.  The question I asked myself was “what good will come of it?” – if I yelled, or did anything rash, that is.  The answer: NOTHING good.

“…everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…”
James 1:19

So I waited and I listened.  And after we talked and talked, I discovered that she was feeling like she had nothing to herself at all – and it had been frustrating her for quite some time.  I was feeling the same way!  No space, no computer, no bathroom, no sink – nothing was our own.  And she wanted to be able to have a place or thing that she could leave in any state she cared to without having to worry about me.

Of course, we are married, so that is a hard thing to find – your own space.  But it is important.  After all, “one flesh” does not mean “one person”.  We are two different people, so we need some things or spaces we can call our own.

So – by waiting and asking “what good will come of it?” – I avoided a big fight and discovered a need that my loving wife has – as well as the same need in me.  So we are working on creating space for the individuals in the house – as well as the couple.  This how we made a positive outcome from conflict in marriage.