From the Heart

First off: tell her - from the heart.  How?  Stop and look at her some time.  Pick your favorite part of her - it could be physical, like her eyes - or it could be something like the way she laughs.  Then think about how beautiful that is to you - internalize it.  Then take her by the hand, look into her eyes and take that internalization and express it - say: "you know... you have really pretty eyes" or "your laugh is so beautiful to me."  Since it is from the heart, she will melt.  Be sincere.  Be honest.

Dwell on Her Beauty

Start to dwell on the beauty you find in her.  Think about the things that are beautiful and that you appreciate about her.  Dream about her.  Love her in your mind and in your heart.  Then tell her about it:

• Send her a card
• Send her a random e-mail
• Look into her eyes and tell her. 
• When you wake in the middle of the night, whisper it to her with a light kiss. 
  
• Note: Keep in mind - you are not going to do this all the time - just a couple times a week.  Otherwise, it will be overwhelming.

Her Reactions

Do not be afraid.  If she reacts oddly, it may be because you are doing this out of character.  Then just tell her that you are making some changes in yourself.  Tell her you just want to start really appreciating her.  No matter her response, just keep doing it.

I've heard about some women who end up laughing - because of the shock of drastic change.  If this happens to you, just roll with it - it is kind of funny to have such drastic changes.  But keep doing it; and the laughs will turn into hugs; and the hugs into kisses; and the passion will grow.  (If she does not come around after a while, she may have something holding her back - you may need some outside help)

But for the most part, the jaws will drop; the tears of joy will well; the embrace will ensue; the kisses will be passionate; and the passion will grow.

When dealing with the female libido, we men have a hard time thinking outside of our paradigm.  If you start touching your wife, you think she should respond the way you would if she touches you.  But the female libido does not work this way.

If you're sitting on the couch and your wife suddenly slides her hand to your inner thigh and onward, you're probably going to be ready to drop everything, take her to the bedroom (or just start wherever you are) and make love with her.  That's sums it up for many men.  Men have about two buttons.  Women have many more.

However, if you're watching a movie and out of the blue, YOU slide your hand up her thigh, you can bet she will be less than ready to go.  It is obviously much more complex for a woman to get turned on   [Read More]

I have heard it all: from "I have a headache" to "I'm really tired" to just plain old "I'm not in the mood".  And each time it felt like rejection.  I used to think: "I am such a looser - I even get rejected by my wife!"  It was not a good feeling.

So I'd try pouring on the romance and expect her to throw me in bed.  Did she?  No.  That made it even worse!  It felt like the ultimate rejection!  Here I was doing all this "stuff" and ... nothing, nada, zip.  I had a lot of resentment and she did, too.  We couldn't understand each other.  She thought I only wanted her for sex and I thought she didn't care about me.

That was three years ago.  But now everything is different.  So - how did we get out of it?  How did we turn it around?  The truth is stranger than you think.  The truth is the opposite of what you'd expect.

But first, let's look at why she was "rejecting" me:

• She felt an "obligation" to have sex
• She felt pressured
• She thought that I only wanted sex - and it didn't matter if it was her or someone else
• She felt like an object
• She felt unloved

But why did she feel this way?  Because of what I was doing:

• I was putting a lot of pressure on her all the time
• After each rejection, I would redouble my efforts - which put even more pressure on her
• I was asking for it constantly
• I would almost beg for it
• I'd reason with her: "you're my wife - husbands and wives are supposed to have sex."
• I used to guilt her: "It's been so long and I have to do ‘other things' and it sucks."

Of course, this wasn't working and we were having a lot of arguments about all kinds of stupid little things. 

We went to counseling.  We went to sex therapy. We went to Church.  We bought books like 500 Lovemaking Tips and Secrets (which is really good, by the way).  When did it really change?  It changed with Church and with MY attitude.  Yes - with my attitude.

The major turn came when I honestly stopped expecting anything.  I figured out that my best   [Read More]

Even in light of our reduced romance lately, I want to keep her emotional libido tank full.  Yesterday in the kitchen after Dawn and I got home, we took a moment and just hugged for about 3 minutes.  That's a long time to just stand in the middle of the kitchen and hug.  It was like a little mini vacation.  I felt great after - it took much of my stress away.  And I know she enjoyed it as well.  We kind of got lost in each other's arms for those three minutes.  It was very romantic and very good for us both emotionally and for our libidos.

I wondered if other couples do this kind of thing.  We do it about twice a day - sometimes for only 30 seconds, but it's nice just the same.  It allows us to connect on a deeper level than just a peck on the lips hello.  It allows her to smell my skin and me to take in the scent of her hair. 

This is a very good way to build that connection with her that:   [Read More]

Talk about romance reduction: I have been working on... let's see... 3 websites, a six week product creation workshop, a new application for internet marketing, and a client's website.  All that along with doing some relationship coaching.  The result is that every night for a few days, Dawn has gone to bed well before I have.  I'm also up an hour erlier each day.  I am getting tired again. 

This is where I need to set some goals, stick to a time-line, make some sacrifices and make sure my wife understands what's going on.  I am happy to say that she supports my endeavors - because I am excited about it and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  So in the mean time, I am still carving out time to do some special romantic things for her - but not to the level that I would normally.  She totally understands.  Man, I appreciate her!   [Read More]

When you have two people living together and sharing everything, you are going to have conflict.  It is unavoidable.  However, conflict degenerating into a knock down drag out fight is completely avoidable.  It is all in how you react.  Not how she reacts - only you.  You cannot control her - you can only control yourself. 

The last time I had a fight with Dawn was when I was mad about her not doing something she always asks me to do.  And when I brought it up, she got defensive and irritated about it.  My "fairness meter" was buzzing like crazy - it's a trigger point with me.

So there I was - mad about an apparent injustice and she was there being mad at ME.  Ugh!  So I'm thinking about tearing into her, yelling, stomping off, etc. etc.   [Read More]

Dawn and I had a wonderful romantic anniversary last week.  It was the anniversary of our first date.  I wanted to do something nice for her and make it unique and special.  So here's what I did (she had no idea what I was up to):

I got off work early and had the children watched by Grandma and Grandpa for the night.  I got four bunches of flowers and cut off the flowers on three of them.  I laid out the flowers from the entry way, down the hall and on the bed (which I had made after I cleaned up the room).  I know what you're thinking: "then he was in the bedroom with candles blah blah blah."  No - I was not even home by the time she arrived.  On the bed I left her a romantic note about the first time I saw her.  It was on a sexy dress I know she likes to wear.  It said to be ready by 6:15, when I would pick her up.

I rang the doorbell at 6:15 and had the remaining bunch of flowers for her.  I picked   [Read More]

Female libido is really sensitive.  This weekend my wife and I were kissing in bed and everything was going well.  However, at one point things changed.  There was a connection that increased her desire from "I am doing this for you because I love you" to "I am doing this because I am so into you I can't stand it anymore and I want you."  Making love to satisfy her husband is good, but her really wanting it is far better.

It was so amazing that the next day, she sent me an IM saying that she could not stop thinking about last night - how she felt a really deep connection and was thinking about me all day.  When I got home, she found ways to get me away from the kids if only for a moment at a time to kiss passionately.  It was amazing.  It was exactly the kind of female libido enhancement that could make millions if it could be put in a bottle.

So what happened?  What made the change?  [Read More]

I'm trying to get back to a more romantic mode after a couple month dry spell.  Why is it so easy to get into a bad habit?  And so hard to break it?  Last week I wrote out a 10 step plan to get back on track with romance and doing special things for and with my wife.  The first item was to get more sleep so I would have the energy I need to focus on her.  Then there was exercising more, taking an hour for just the two of us each night, etc.  Well... bad habits are easy to form and really hard to break.

I am frustrated with myself because although I took the first step of writing down my goals, that is where it ended.  I haven't done anything else on my list.  In just two months we have collectively formed some really bad habits.  [Read More]

The stages of marriage happen to every couple.  They usually happen in the same order.  Some couples have no idea what is in store and they fool themselves into thinking that the tingles and the butterflies will last forever; so when challenges come along, they are unprepared to cope. 

If you know what's coming then you can be mentally ready to stick to it.  Knowing that the stages of marriage you are going through are normal helps stave off divorce. 

Too often people expect their marriage to be different from the rest: "we'd never do that" or "not us - we are SO in love!"  People want the movie marriage with the happy ending.  What they don't see is what happens after the movie ends - so here it is in a nutshell.  The chart below shows relative happiness as it relates to each stage as time passes.   [Read More]

Have you ever asked your wife what makes her feel special?  I did recently.  Just point blank: "Dawn - what makes you feel special?"  I expected to hear about things I could do or get her or say to her.  But her answer surprised me.  It was about the things I do every day for her that I have made part of my routine.  She loves that I make her coffee every day and that I run my fingers through her hair when we watch a show at night.  Of course it is not the same for every woman, but after talking with some married friends about it, I found a common thread: consistency.

If making coffee for your wife makes her feel special, then do it for her consistently.  If you make a cup one day and then stop, how special is that?  If she loves   [Read More]